A metaphor for the people who hate therapy-speak as much as I do.
I can’t shut up about this.
I have a tendency to not shut up when I discover something that is truly lifechanging.
I found IFS. And I haven’t shut up since.
Parts work isn’t new. Versions of it have existed throughout human history in different forms. But Internal Family Systems changed my life in ways I didn’t think were possible. It showed me how to unwire the unhelpful, unnecessary, trauma-born responses to my triggers. It helped me stay regulated and in control of my emotions. It helped me stop drinking alcohol and walk away from Kratom. It helped me transform my anger from something that destroyed everything around me into something that actually works for me.
But I’m not going to explain IFS the boring way. I love metaphor and analogy. So bear with me.
The Bus
It’s 2020. You are a bus driver, owner-operator, with 42 years of experience.
You’ve driven the same route 24/7 your entire career. In this fantasy land, you have a very consistent mix of passengers who board and deboard at different stops. They don’t age. They each have predictable personalities and behaviors. They respond in unique and consistent ways to certain events and situations.
Some passengers are terrifying. They taunt you. Threaten you. Hijack the bus at times. If left unchecked, they’ll gang up and overthrow everything.
This is a low-barrier transit system. Despite their behavior, they ride forever. You have 32 more years of these passengers on your bus.
Sounds awful. But there I was.
You and your bus are a system. The passengers generate revenue and sometimes chaos. The mechanics keep the bus running. The security guards keep the unruly passengers at bay. And you, the driver, must show up every day cool under pressure and sober, so everyone feels safe.
If any part of that system breaks down, everything gets ugly.
Sounds hard to keep running day after day. But there I was. Driving a bankrupt, out of control, broken down bus.
One year later. Passengers were riding but not paying. Loud, obnoxious, cruel, and destructive. You let the security guards go because they didn’t seem to be helping. Same with the mechanics. You gave up. Hope was lost.
You relegated yourself to sitting in the back of the bus you once had dreams for. Broken. Fuel dangerously low. Business model failing. Best helpers gone.
A permanently hijacked bus.
Then one day, barely keeping the bus on the road, you see a billboard.
“Free Bus Repair. Help Students Gain Knowledge. Call today.”
You had nothing to lose. You called.
Two years later, the warning lights finally went dark. You took the driver’s seat again because your bus was like new and you wanted to keep it that way.
But the passengers were still a problem.
Then another billboard.
“Free Security Guards. Help Students Gain Knowledge. Call today.”
Three minutes later, they were on your schedule.
Things should have quickly turned around with all this help. But there I was. Driving a mechanically sound bus, with security guards in training, and a mob of unruly passengers still fighting to grab the steering wheel.
You’d been intoxicated on one thing or another for years. Your passengers didn’t trust you anymore, let alone any of your security guards.
One day, they took control of the bus and completely wrecked it.
Passengers got hurt. You got hurt. Pedestrians you knew and loved got hurt.
One of the worst crashes of your career.
Sounds horrific. But there I was.
Cut back to reality.
The bus is me as a human being.
The mechanics are my doctors and healthcare providers.
Maintenance is my medication and self-care.
The security guards are my therapists, peer supports, and the trainings I’ve received.
The passengers are my feelings, emotions, and parts.
Their triggers are the events in my life that are difficult for me.
The bus driver is who I am at my core. Self.
The pedestrians are my community. Friends, family, peers.
I was born compassionate, creative, curious, calm, courageous, confident, clear, and connected. As life happened, emotions were experienced, and certain ones created powerful responses. These responses are hardwired into us. When anything that feels even remotely close to an uncomfortable feeling arises, the programmed response fires.
In therapy speak: trauma responses.
In IFS: parts.
In my metaphor: passengers accumulating on a bus route, each with its own personality, history, and behavior.
When the bus crashed, I had let my parts completely overwhelm me. I was heavily intoxicated. I had been neglecting my health in every way possible. I had just discovered IFS a few weeks prior and hadn’t yet integrated it into my life.
It couldn’t have entered my life at a better time.
So What the F*ck Actually IS IFS?
Here’s the part where I stop dancing around it.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to psychotherapy that identifies and addresses multiple sub-personalities or families within each person’s mental system. These sub-personalities consist of wounded parts and painful emotions such as anger and shame, and parts that try to control and protect the person from the pain of the wounded parts. The sub-personalities are often in conflict with each other and with one’s core Self, a concept that describes the confident, compassionate, whole person that is at the core of every individual. IFS focuses on healing the wounded parts and restoring mental balance and harmony by changing the dynamics that create discord among the sub-personalities and the Self.
Source: Psychology.com
IFS was developed by psychologist Richard Schwartz. In his work as a family therapist, Schwartz began to observe patterns in how people described their inner lives: “What I heard repeatedly were descriptions of what they often called their “parts”—the conflicted subpersonalities that resided within them,” Schwartz says. He began to conceive of the mind as a family, and the parts as family members interacting with one another. Exploring how these components functioned with one another was the foundation for IFS and the idea of the core Self.
For me, IFS is a self-love practice.
IFS has been tested and proven effective in helping people navigate difficult emotions, process trauma, and take control of their responses to triggers. It’s a therapy you can teach yourself and practice on your own. For me, it has become an emotional language I now understand and speak fluently.
Two years ago, I vowed to never show up to a hospital intoxicated in a mental health crisis again.
Keeping that vow has required developing a real relationship and genuine trust with each of my passengers. It has required that I actually feel my feelings, get to know them inside and out, and mentor them to respond to triggers differently. It has required complete abstinence from alcohol and kratom. It has required coordination between the driver, the security guards, the mechanics, AND the passengers.
My emotions, feelings, triggers, and physical and mental health are all part of my Internal Family System. When any part of the system is unwell, the entire system becomes vulnerable.
I don’t get to choose my feelings or triggers. I cannot erase my history. All I can do is learn to respond differently.
And here’s what I’ve learned from my passengers: they are all protective. Every single one of them. Their actions, in their minds, exist to protect their safety on my bus. Some feel like they need to drive in order to keep themselves safe. Some respond in childish ways. Some are loud and terrifying.
But none of my passengers are bad. They just have unmet needs for safety and love.
As I shifted my focus from hating the passengers to understanding them, something changed. I stopped hating my bus and started loving it. As trust developed between me and my parts, I stopped white-knuckling the wheel and finally got to enjoy the drive.
Do You Have Parts?
Is there an inner critic that loves to tear you down?
A playful inner child that never gets to come out?
An addictive part? A people-pleasing part? A part that always wants to rescue everyone else?
Or is there a full mob of parts throwing a party at your expense?
I’ve discovered all of these and more in my own Internal Family System.
Why Should Anyone Care About IFS?
When you realize that everyone has a bus full of unique passengers, life starts to transform. You stop taking things so personally. You stop asking “What the f*ck is wrong with me?” and start asking “How can I help this part live with me in my present life?”
You also stop asking “What the f*ck is wrong with other people?” and start seeing them as a system of parts with Self at the core, doing the best they can with the passengers they have.
As my mentor Axel Blackwell told me: “IFS could change the world.”
One part at a time, I am changing mine. And hopefully, in some small way, yours too.
Internal Family Systems is a life-changing therapy modality that I will forever be excited to use and share. I would love to talk parts with you and help you better understand your emotions, feelings, responses, and triggers.
TLDR: Love yourself. Love your parts. They are you.
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence