PS C:\> tar -xf Here_I_Am_Tonight_v1.zip
Application_Install.exe
Getting help is not weakness. It is the most advanced move in the playbook. When your system is crashing, when every process is running hot and nothing is responding the way it should, the strongest thing you can do is walk yourself through the door and say: I need support. That takes more courage than white-knuckling it alone ever will.
And here is the thing about coping mechanisms: they do not disappear when you remove them. The thing they were managing is still there, waiting. Anxiety does not care that you decided to get clean. It will find a way back. The work is not about eliminating the discomfort. It is about learning to sit in the discomfort with a clear head, and asking for help before the system goes critical.
That is the application. The rest is the source code.
SourceCode.txt
The open-source code below is free, for you to analyze, modify, and build your own application with.
> well, here i am tonight: ER_Checkin.log
Well, here I am tonight. Hopefully not for long.
I’ve debated sharing this because it’s a bit embarrassing and deeply personal. But I also hate stigma around mental health and substance challenges. I share it all so others who are struggling may have a voice. I see you.
> anxiety has been running since childhood: Background_Process.exe
Anxiety got the best of me today. I called a nurse line and they told me to go to the VA hospital. By the time I arrived, the walk-in mental health clinic was closed, so the next option was the ER.
Remaining transparent: this anxiety has been around for years and years. Since childhood. I have used many addictions to numb it and make it manageable. And at the end of the day, anxiety will always find a way back.
Cannabis was one of the best reliefs I had from anxiety, until I stopped smoking it on Sunday night to prepare for the brain scans this week.
Little did I know this cannabis had a death grip on me.
> every process is running hot: Withdrawal_Symptoms.txt
I’m in full withdrawals now and quite possibly the most uncomfortable I have ever been. The list of things I am experiencing goes on and on:
- Headache and stiffness in neck
- Heart beating hard and fast
- Chest pain
- Alternating between cold and hot
- Anxiety through the roof
- Agitation and restlessness. Can’t stand being in my body
- No appetite
- Can’t sleep
- Can’t focus or concentrate
- Worried about loss of sleep and agitation leading to bipolar mania
> lucid control of the steering wheel: Sober_Override.sys
Despite feeling terribly mentally and physically, tonight is a big win for me. It’s the first time I have proactively sought emergency medical help for psychiatric issues while being completely sober (except nicotine and caffeine).
Unlike a year ago when I refused help and found myself in the hospital drunk, high, and psychotic…tonight I have full lucid control of the steering wheel. I am preventing crisis tonight and can fully advocate for myself without substances interfering.
> i'm always here for you: Sending_Love.msg
Please don’t worry about me. I’m in good hands and will get through the withdrawals. I just need some extra support from the psychiatric side of things.
Sending love to everyone and hoping you all are getting through the darkness and holidays without challenges. I’m always here for you, and I am so grateful that I have your love and support.