49206C6F766520796F752E
My Recovery and Healing Mainframe.
> life_of_every_party.ps1
> death_of_every_relationship.ps1
> tolerating_DARVO.ps1
> recovery.ps1
> healing.ps1
> love.ps1
>
"When you take accountability for the harms you caused, instead of denying them, you and the rest of the world will suffer less."-Norberto L. Moreno, III
-
August was the month accountability stopped being a concept and became a daily habit. Five farmers markets, eighteen pier sunsets, two hundred sixty miles of walking, and twenty one thousand six hundred TMS pulses later, I held people responsible for the harm they caused, did not accept their anger as a consequence, and came out the other side finally understanding how deep the manipulation had run. Two hundred thirty eight days sober. Zero patterns repeated. This is the whole receipt.
-
9 months ago I burned every bridge in my life to the ground. I filmed this dance a few weeks ago on the Whatcom Creek bridge with a train crossing behind me the whole time. The post today is about what 224 days of not giving in actually looks like from the inside, and why the title is not about what you think it is about.
-
Alone on the bridge over Whatcom Creek at midnight, the relapse happened. Thirty one years of buildup, no warning, nobody there to see it. I am not sorry, and honestly, I am proud of it.
-
Today I told someone I bought flowers for that the sunflower always faces the sun, a metaphor almost identical to that of the bison. Earlier this year, I deleted a song because it hurt too much to hear, then danced to it again and found out grief was never something you delete, only something you finally let speak. This is a story about giving up control, walking back into what I’d been avoiding, and a piece of Lakota wisdom that was given to me, not taken, by a woman who reminded me the bison does not run from the storm.
-
Pain means I still have a heart. It’s better to feel it than to be indifferent. A song, a video, and the truth that love doesn’t disappear when it changes, it just asks to be carried differently.
-
Liminality on the first day of August. The farmers market, an old friend, a hug that felt like glitter, a painting that looks like my insides, a poster of suffering hitting the curb, Bigfoot, a fellow multiple exposure freak, climbing shoes and chalk, mountain bikes, ice cream, and a dance nobody saw except the 360 camera. I hit an unexpected new low, in the best way possible.
-
I almost walked past a footpath that changed my whole month. Same beach, same stairs, same everything, until one small path I’d never noticed dropped me into a ravine I didn’t know existed. Turns out the dead end had the gold at the bottom of it the whole time, and so did the rest of July.
Top Tags
accountability addiction alcohol amends anxiety avoidance awareness bellingham washington bipolar disorder bison metaphor boundaries breakups cannabis chemical sobriety codependency community consequences courage cravings dance daughters drugs ego death emotional sobriety estrangement fatherhood freedom gratitude grief guilt harm caused harmful patterns honesty identity inner family systems in photos integrity internal family systems kratom labels and stigma loss love masking medication mental health nervous system ownership parts work peer support radical acceptance recovery ricoh griiix salish sea scars self love self worth shame sobriety stalking transformation trauma unmasking unrecognizable veteran vulnerability
