2KVYOT3.L0VE
Tukayote Helianthus v2
Walking away from suffering.
Walking towards love.
With intention.
49206C6F766520796F752E
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Half a joint ended 25 years of numbing. Then my nervous system came back online like a fire alarm, and my therapist and psychiatrist said there was no pill for it. 300 days of sobriety later I’m sleeping without meds, I’ve accepted a job offer, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Here’s everything I had to cut to get here, and the one cut that changed it all.
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Closure was never out there. After a year of begging people who hurt me for it, I found it on a beach. Here is how I stopped waiting and started healing myself.
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286 days chemically sober, and the things I tell people in recovery every day: from the night I threw out my last joint to what emotional sobriety actually feels like.
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Grief used to be the thing I ran from. Now it shows up sharp as a thumbnail scratch, I say hello out loud, and it passes. Grief isn’t terrible. It’s proof I have a real beating heart.
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Two years clean from kratom, and a display of Feel Free shots at the gas station still told me one won’t hurt. It will. This is the detox that felt like hell, the marketing nobody warns you about, the ban that finally hit Bellingham, and the guilt I carry for handing it to people I loved. No amount is safe. I’m still here to say it.
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For years I thought refusing to accept my bipolar made me strong. It was denial, and underneath it was grief I didn’t want to feel. Acceptance isn’t quitting treatment. It’s quitting the fight against what’s permanent, whether that’s a diagnosis or a conflict that’s never going to change. Sometimes no response is a response. Good grief is the kind you finally let yourself feel.
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A random poster led me to a tarot reader, and she told me to start setting intentions. Severing the last cord already brought my sleep, my appetite, and my grief back online. Now it’s time to declare what I am living by from here forward. This is not an update. It is a declaration. Know what you don’t want, know what you do, and live on purpose.
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