Package Contents
Application_Install.exe
I killed the pattern of performing for other people. That part is real and it stayed dead. But somewhere in the healing, I started performing for myself and for the world watching, hand hearts, big smiles, always happy, always spreading love. The love is real. The smile was covering something the love couldn’t reach.
I have been telling myself and everyone else I am more healed than I actually am, while crying the second the camera goes down. This is me taking the mask off in public, on purpose, because I can’t keep healing while I’m still performing healed.
That is the application. The rest is the source code.
Source_Code.txt
The open-source code below is free, for you to analyze, modify, and build your own application with.
> what I already promised myself: tuos_promises.log
In TuOS, I have written:
I am being my true self instead of performing as something I am not. I am no longer performing a persona to please people. I am no longer auditioning for love. I am no longer making myself into whatever someone needs me to be to avoid abandonment, rejection, or loss of love. I am no longer pretending to be someone I am not just to avoid being alone.
And I have written:
I am eliminating my pattern of performing personas to please people.
> the version I said out loud: apexis_record.log
In Apexis, I wrote:
I am showing up honestly with myself and others.
I am feeling free as a bird from my old toxic patterns and behaviors.
I am being real, not performative.
I am communicating my struggles, challenges, wants, needs, and feelings, openly and promptly, instead of avoiding them and holding them in.
I am facing my shadows and I am tending to them as I discover them.
I am allowing myself to grieve my losses. I am letting my tears out instead of bottling them up.
I AM NOW AUTHENTICALLY AND GENUINELY WHO I REALLY AM AT THE CORE.
> the pattern I didn't count: undetected_process.exe
At the end of June I said “Not a single identified pattern repeated.” I have said similar words in several posts.
So in terms of identified patterns, specifically performing as someone I am not to keep others happy, I haven’t repeated it. However, comma, I have been putting on a show for myself and making it visible to everyone for months. Not for their happiness, or approval, or for fear of rejection from them. But more for fear of shame. Mostly internal shame. And the self-hatred that goes with it. The shame and self-hatred that has shown up in every relationship I have had.
> the show was still running: hidden_process.exe
I have been putting on a show for myself and the public. Hand hearts. I love you in ASL in every selfie. Big smiles. Fun moments. Always happy. Always happy. Always spreading love. The hand gestures are 100% real and so is the love I spread. It’s genuine and authentic. I really do love and wish happiness and less suffering for everyone.
But the smiles and fun moments? They were the mask covering up the deep pain, confusion, anger, sadness, sorrow, and grief inside.
> mask.exe has stopped responding: force_quit.log
So I’m done posting selfies for a while. Done posting adventures and fun memories. Done with the healed and happy posts. And back to the heavy grief. For as long as it lasts and as long as I need to move through it. I can’t do the healing work while avoiding the grief. And I also feel that avoiding the grief for a bit has allowed the space I needed to do some healing work. They hold hands with eachother. And now I am transitioning back into grief and doing the work around it, so I can eventually have the space to do healing work around other things.
This galaxy is 21 million light years away.
I’m not living in my codependency and people pleasing performance patterns. But I am living in a pattern of telling myself and the world that I am very happy and very healed, while quietly crying and hurting every fucking moment outside of the selfie camera view. I have done immense amounts of work and found happiness I have never had, but nothing close to the levels I am telling myself and the world about. I’m not being honest with myself. I’m not being honest with others.
I’m faking it and not making it. And that mask is off and I am not going to put it back on again. That is the healing I need to do to find the happiness I want to feel.
