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Application_Install.exe

Today I reached 300 days chemically sober.

I kept a running list in my journals of lessons I have learned on this journey. Here are the ones that stuck: discomfort isn’t danger, feel it to heal it, choose the path of less suffering, own your shit. But the big one is this: cutting what hurts you is allowed, and it’s absolutely essential for healing. Patterns, people, whole ways of living. There is no pill for this work. The rest of this is post is how I got there.

That is the application. The rest is the source code.

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Source_Code.txt

The open-source code below is free, for you to analyze, modify, and build your own application with.

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> I kept lighting it anyway: soul_not_found.log

The night I quit cannabis, I took a walk and had no idea how much my life was about to change. Not even 7 weeks before that, my whole life as I knew it changed in one evening. Four days later, the ego started dying a fast, brutal death. Less than two weeks after that, I was two states away, crying in the Northern California redwoods until my stomach turned inside out. I took that road trip to do some soul searching, and quickly realized that without my patterns and performance, there was very little soul left to find. It was half amazing and half straight up terrifying. I saw a beautiful part of the country, and I was alone with my thoughts on the road 12 to 16 hours a day. Confused. Wondering who I was without my patterns. Realizing I had no identity outside of them.

The night of the last joint, I was already struggling with really strong effects from cannabis. I’d taken a tolerance break of about three weeks, from the end of October until November 18th. When I started smoking again, it wasn’t the same. Every session was intense, emotional, and not enjoyable. I kept smoking it anyway because I was addicted and still believed it was helping, even with the unpleasant experiences I was starting to have.

Each time, I’d get a tiny glimmer of the high I used to love, usually sandwiched in the middle of very unpleasant feelings. That glimmer kept me trying over and over. I told myself it would come back and I’d enjoy getting stoned again. Then I’d stand there with a joint in my hand and the voice would start. This hasn’t been going well, you probably shouldn’t. But you have the weed and you don’t want to waste it, so maybe just a few hits this time and see how it goes. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Know better, do better. I knew better. The addiction was right there, coaxing me into doing the not better thing.

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> this is the weed talking, not danger: nervous_system_online.exe

The last joint I lit, I smoked half of. It was a half gram joint. Before my tolerance break, I could easily smoke 2 grams in one session. This one sent me into extreme anxiety, paranoia, and panicky feelings in my body, and my heart was racing. I spent the next two hours on foot repeating “this is the weed talking and not danger” until it started letting up. I have learned this year that discomfort is not always danger. That fear is not always danger, sometimes it is information. In this situation, it was important information I could no longer ignore. I passed the trash cans by the Granary and threw away the $20 pack of joints and the lighter. I told myself, “never again.”

And I meant it.

The two weeks of physical withdrawals were awful, as expected. Increased anxiety and body pain, no appetite, nightmares, terrible sleep, and intense cravings for cannabis. I knew better this time though. I sat with all of it, and it eventually got better.

Then my nervous system started coming back online, something I had numbed in one form or another since I was 17. For 25 years, I had never truly experienced it fully online. Boy, was I in for a real surprise.

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> my brain built a loop out of nothing: ride_it_out.log

On top of all of that, my stress and triggers were already through the roof. I was hyper-vigilant and anxious nearly around the clock. I had flashbacks of recent traumatic events and boundary violations hitting me over and over. And my head was running nonstop on thoughts planted there through gaslighting and manipulation. I didn’t know yet that I was believing them. I was only just starting to learn how to tell what was mine and what wasn’t. I have learned this year to ask yourself frequently if what you are carrying emotionally is yours to carry, or if it was a burden placed on you by someone else. Release what isn’t yours.

On the morning of January 27th, 3 weeks sober, I woke up feeling moderately ok. Then, in the middle of making breakfast, with no triggers, my nervous system fired all alarms. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I wanted nothing to do with being inside my apartment or being in Bellingham. So I packed a bag and hit the road to do more soul searching, no route and no destination. I ended up on the Washington coast for a few days. It was another half-amazing, half-terrifying road trip. The gaslighting I was believing was taking over quickly. At one point I messaged my therapist and psychiatrist and told them I felt like I was going crazy. Too much confusion. Too much pain. Too much grief. Too many unanswered questions. Too much analysis of my feelings. Too much hyper-vigilance. Too much anxiety in my body. Too much time in my head. I wasn’t feeling manic, depressed, or suicidal, thank god. But I didn’t feel good either.

Their answers were nearly identical. My nervous system was coming online, my body was depleted of the cannabinoids it naturally makes because I replaced them by smoking weed, and my brain was reading all that activation as danger. With no real danger around, it grabbed whatever was nearby and made up anxious thoughts to fill the gap. Those thoughts had a tiny bit of truth in them, and mixed with what I believed about myself from the gaslighting, I ended up in what I call a “feedback loop from hell.” Nervous system comes online. Anxiety spikes. Anxiety amplifies the nervous system. Repeat. I have since learned to separate anxious and fearful thoughts from the gentle inner knowings of my intuition.

Then came the part I didn’t want to hear. No medication for this. I had to ride it out, and it could take months or even years for my nervous system to quiet down. No fix. Just learn to live with it, find everything that made it worse, and eliminate it. That meant listening to it. I have learned this year that your nervous system and intuition are extremely important sources of information, and when you listen to them, your life greatly improves.

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> everything that made it worse had to go: less_suffering.cfg

That’s when I started doing intense work toward emotional sobriety. It all boils down to reducing my suffering in any way I can, and I learned to always choose the path of less suffering. In the past 300 days of chemical sobriety, I’ve done that in countless ways. I identified and eliminated more patterns, up to 25 now. I identified and eliminated connections and relationships that were causing emotional harm and ongoing distress. The people I kept are the ones who don’t increase my suffering and who show accountability, even when we disagree. I said no to things that activate my nervous system. I walked long distances to down regulate it when it did get activated. I stopped going to events and places that trigger it. I severed cords to many things, from childhood through my present life. And eventually, on September 20th this year, I went completely off the radar and out of view.

Over the past 300 days, I found a love of solitude. To be clear, it’s not isolation. Solitude and isolation are very different things, and solitude has turned out to be extremely important to me. I also eliminated my fear of being alone. That one fear was the root of every secondary fear I’ve had and the root of every pattern I’ve identified and eliminated. I’ve learned that the fears you have will become true if you let them drive your bus, and this one had been driving mine for years. It was the biggest source of suffering I could eliminate, and I did just that.

My nervous system quieted down some, but it was still very spicy at times. In early July, I discovered something absolutely frightening and my nervous system went postal again. That led to immense physical and emotional suffering until August 27th, when months of therapy and an event that day joined together and finally let me clearly see the gaslighting I had been living in. I went back through my journals and confirmed that my therapists were right. Looking back, my intuition had been telling me for months that what I was believing about myself and a situation wasn’t correct, and seeking answers outside myself hadn’t been enough. Almost every answer I’ve ever sought was within me the entire time. My intuition had been telling me the truth all along, and I finally listened. That realization was freeing and terrifying at the same time. It is hard to put into words the sinking feeling you experience when you realize that you have been deeply gaslit and manipulated, and that you actually believed all of it with your entire soul the entire time. It hit me like a pile of bricks.

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> twelve days and one clean cut: cord_cut_confirmed.log

That moment was a huge pivot point in my emotional sobriety journey. The next 12 days were some of the most intense of this entire year. I had been considering this change for months, but the gaslighting kept making me question myself and whether that change was necessary. It kept me stuck in a loop of “when XYZ happens, then I’ll make the change.” XYZ kept shfiting and changing, and the change never got made. I always had a new reason to delay. Then on September 8th, I clearly saw the biggest remaining piece of my suffering and decided that day to eliminate it completely and permanently. I have learned this year that the best time to make a big change is today, not tomorrow, and not after a situation changes or ends. It meant another major life change and a way of living I had never lived before. I expected the transition to the new lifestyle to take several months. It took exactly twelve days. The moment I decided to cut that cord, the ripple effect was immediate, almost faster than I could process. It happened around noon on September 8th. I listened to my intuition and made the decision in that moment, and months of chaos in my nervous system went quiet in a way they never had before. I’d felt small moments of peace, but this was something more. It was like my nervous system was saying, “Thank you for finally listening!!!!” Today I am 43 days into this new lifestyle, out of view and out of reach to nearly everyone while I build a new foundation for my life. It stays that way until I feel emotionally and physically safe again.

This change sounds drastic, because it is. There was no gradual, graceful way to make it. This wasn’t a cable with many cords I could cut one at a time. It was a single strand, which meant a sudden, clean cut. My nervous system responded immediately, in all the best ways, which tells me I made the right decision and cut the right cord, at the right time. That’s what I learned from it: cutting what hurts you is allowed, and it is absolutely necessary for healing. The proof showed up fast. I am the happiest I have ever been. I can eat again. I can sleep again, now without medication, and my sleep scores are up. I’m enjoying my life again in every aspect. The hyper-vigilance is nearly nonexistent. The stress levels on my fitness tracker have dropped to the lowest they’ve ever been. My mental health is the most stable it has ever been, and my psychiatrist agrees. The people closest to me tell me over and over they have never seen me at a place of peace and happiness like I am today.

With the emotional space I created for myself, I was able to start looking for work again, and the universe gave me a gift almost immediately. I applied for a job, intereviewed two days later, toured the office two days after that and accepted a job offer that afternoon. I start the new position this later month. I feel excited and confident about going back to work after over 17 months of unemployment. Returning to work with a nervous system on fire was going to be impossible if I hadn’t made the decision on September 8th. It’s a dream job, and it’s definitely not tech related because I’m still keeping that boundary. I have learned this year that when you say no to something, you say yes to something else, and I have said no to a lot. This is some of what I got to say yes to. I’m also enrolled in two programs that lead to two different certifications in mental health and recovery. I’m going to use them to help build a project I’ve dreamed of for years. They’ll help me in the new job too, and they’ll help me help other people find the healing they’re looking for.

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> easy to go back, hard to heal: paradox_of_the_universe.log

Here’s a big lesson. It is incredibly easy to go back to harmful things, and incredibly difficult to continuously walk the path of healing and less suffering.

A quick and simple five second, three word text message to one specific person from my past could undo 11 months of changes and reopen a door I welded shut. Ordering a beer at a restaurant, same thing. A piece of cake. Going into a dispensary and buying a joint, same thing. Easy as shit. Breaking the laws of my manifesto is incredibly undemanding and nearly effortless. Following my laws, staying in integrity, and continuing to build my foundation of health and happiness is hard work. It’s in every decision and every waking moment, from the time I open my eyes in the morning until I close them at night.

Temptations to return to the old easy and familiar ways of living walk alongside me everywhere I go, like ghosts haunting me. And yet, I choose the path of less suffering. It’s the only path I choose, and the only one I will ever choose. Choosing to suffer again in any form makes about as much sense as cutting off my fingers or eating broken glass. Why would I do that? Even when it’s the easiest thing to do, it’s the worst thing long term. I call this the paradox of the universe. Doing better is hard, doing worse is easy. It makes no logical sense, but it’s the reality of life.

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> I don't recognize who I used to be: three_years_clear.log

One decision last June to leave my IT career has snowballed into so much growth and happiness. Some days it’s hard to believe where I once was, and the life I used to trudge through and tolerate. I don’t recognize my former self at all anymore. That makes sense, because every part of me that I’ve healed, I’ve left behind. The healed person is a new identity, and I had to let go of the old one. With every gain there is a loss. The old me needed alcohol, kratom, hallucinogens, and cannabis to function, and during that time I was showing up at the hospital in manic, psychotic, crisis states almost once a year. Since I quit drinking on January 13, 2024, that hasn’t happened once. Not even a manic episode or anything resembling one. Later this month will be three years clear of a psychiatric crisis requiring hospitalization.

To be transparent and clear, I did spend 48 hours in a psychiatric facility in December 2025. It wasn’t an active crisis. It was a proactive, voluntary admission. I was starting to have darker thoughts, I was afraid they could eventually lead to a crisis, and I wanted help steering them away before it became a problem. That was me being on my own side, which I’ve learned means not neglecting myself. In those 48 hours, no mania, psychosis, or bipolar episode features were identified, and no medications were added, removed, or adjusted. I got the social support I asked for and a safe, quiet space to process my thoughts. I was discharged at my own request, with no objections from staff, and it was voluntary from beginning to end. Every hospitalization I had before this one was involuntary.

I’ve learned a lot in my 300 days of complete chemical sobriety, and I’m certain the next 300 will teach me even more. I’m really excited about what’s coming next. Even the challenges.

I went back through my journals and pulled out the lessons that stuck the most. I’ve grouped them by theme below, and I left out the ones I already told you about above.

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> feel it to heal it: crying_is_required.txt

Stop avoiding your feelings. You have to feel them to heal them. Every feeling and emotion is valid and real, and not every sensation or thought needs to be analyzed or solved. Crying is necessary, and it should never be delayed, reduced, or stopped when it happens. You are not broken.

Grieve the losses and don’t run from the pain that comes with them. Grief is beautiful because it tells you that you loved something with all your heart, that you have a beating heart, and that something really truly meant something to you. Trust the process. Everything is temporary, and the pain you feel today won’t be the same tomorrow. Eventually it fades into the past.

Face your shadows head on. Ask yourself the questions you’d rather not, and answer them honestly. Find gratitude in everything, the good, bad, and ugly, because it all shapes you and teaches you things. Focus on what has stayed with you through all of your challenges, and less on what you no longer have. I have survived everything that has tested my strength, and I have always been ok. I am ok, regardless of what life throws at me next. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to others.

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> own your shit and ditch the vampires: boundaries.cfg

Own your shit and don’t repeat it. Make amends where you can, and live your amends always. The thing you don’t want to discuss with someone is the thing you need to discuss. Do not harm, take no shit.

When you feel pressured by someone, it is always manipulation, and it’s for their best interest and not yours. DARVO is very common and very fucked up. Ditch the people who make you feel like shit. Locate the energetic vampires in your life and quit feeding them. Put your energy into the things that flow naturally and reward you.

With every connection you choose and every decision you make, ask yourself: “Is this (person, situation, thing, event, decision, job, etc…) the best I can do, am I settling for less, and is this going to lead to or increase my suffering?” Then choose accordingly. Codependency fucks everything up, for everyone, so choose healthy interdependence. Don’t give away your autonomy and freedoms. We outgrow things, like clothing, jobs, relationships, and hobbies. Outgrowing something is not a failure, it’s growth. The snake sheds its skin as it grows, shed yours when you grow. Rejection is protection and redirection, so don’t take it personal. Move toward the people who bring out the best in you and believe in your dreams, and away from anyone who tries to talk you out of them. The right things in your life will grow with you and stay with you. Water them. And pull the weeds before they root deep and turn to seed. You cannot control how others view you, but you can control how you view yourself. How you live your life and treat yourself ripples into humanity, good or bad.

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> nothing changes if you don't: liminal_space.log

Nothing changes if you don’t change. Change is uncomfortable, and not changing is even more uncomfortable. The liminal space of uncertainty and doubt is where infinite possibilities lie, and the space that is well lit and familiar is where you stay stuck. The liminal space is where the gold is. Fears and ego get in the way of nearly everything when we let them. Challenge them and face them, and your dreams will be waiting on the other side. You have so much more potential than you think you do. When you start believing that, the possibilities emerge and you can scoop them up. When you don’t, you’ll never see the glimmers appear.

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> pause, pick, and live today: enthusiastic_yes.txt

The only way to move your life forward is to stop doing the things and engaging in the thought patterns that caused you suffering before, and replace them with things that improve your life and happiness. You have to start small to get big. Plant the seeds today and let them grow. You can’t get from A to Z without all the letters in between. There is no reason to rush anything, and you are allowed to change your mind about anything at any time. You are allowed to pause before choosing or reacting, and the pause makes a world of difference between acting from emotion and acting from rational thought. When something isn’t going your way, trust that signal and change direction. I have a personal three strikes rule: when something resists me three times, I stop, reevaluate, and change directions completely. It has saved me immense amounts of wasted time and energy, and ultimately, suffering.

When you say yes to something, you say no to something else. Choose wisely. Stop wasting energy and time on things you aren’t enthusiastically excited about. Only pursue the things that are an enthusiastic yes, and don’t settle for anything that isn’t. Choose a path of leveling-up and upgrading your life wherever you can. Experiences matter, possessions don’t. You may not get the best of situations, but you can always make the best of them. You choose your condition, so choose less suffering. What you end today with is what you start tomorrow with. Live your life to the fullest today, because the ability to live it that way tomorrow is not guaranteed. Tell the people you love how much you love them. When life gets quiet and still, embrace the solitude and do nothing. Just be in it. You don’t need more, you don’t need to prove yourself, you are enough exactly as you are in this moment. Always.

The most important lesson I learned this year is three simple words:

Love yourself, fool.

You are the common denominator in your life. Everything around you can disappear in an instant. If you don’t love and value yourself, you will have nothing to stand on when a loss inevitably happens.

I am 2KVYOT3. I am unrecognizable. I am love.
And I am choosing less suffering.
Always.

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