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Application_Install.exe

To the people this post is about: before anything else, I love you. I wish you less suffering and more peace, today and every day after this one. That has not changed, and nothing below changes it.

On September 8th I made the hardest decision of my life and severed the last cord tied to a source of suffering I could not reduce, eliminate, or change any other way. For most of my adult life I ran from every storm, and every storm I avoided just kept growing while I looked away. Not anymore. I’m severing. I’m disappearing. I’m done. I’m completely done.

Love, for me, is simply wishing for less suffering and more happiness, for myself and for everyone else, and I still love the people who hurt me. But loving someone unconditionally never meant giving them unlimited access to me, so their access is revoked, permanently, with no exceptions. And to the people now telling everyone I am not safe, I’m manic, having a bipolar episode, psychotic, delusional, unstable, in crisis, suicidal, or in need of hospitalization, none of it is true. I’m sober, I’m in treatment, and I have three providers who know the truth. It costs nothing to choose less suffering for yourself, and it will cost you everything if you don’t. This is not a crisis, it is not giving up, and it is not quitting. It is walking into the storm on purpose and telling everyone who has ever hurt me to stay away from my healing.

Spreading false narratives and making crisis calls to the people in my life is not concern. It is unlawful harassment, and it is causing me real emotional distress.

I mean every word of this. This decision is final. I am disappearing off the radar until I feel safe again. Contacting me will be difficult and the people causing this will never see me again. I guarantee it.

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> FIRST THINGS FIRST: UNLAWFUL_HARASSMENT_And_Mania_Myths.DEF

Calling people close and dear to me (or having other people make those calls on someone else’s behalf) and telling them there is grave and immediate concern that I am not safe, having a mental health crisis, that I am manic, or even telling them I am suicidal, when I factually am not, is a fabricated story and is intentionally torturous, malicious, harassing, and traumatizing. It unnecessarily alarms them, and emotionally distresses me.

Telling my friends, family, peers, veterans, and other people who I have earned the respect of that I am not safe, mentally unstable, manic, delusional, psychotic, needing hospitalization, harming someone, ruining someone’s life, or any of the other ways people have tried to smear me, damage my reputation, make others question my credibility, harass me, and destroy my connections and communities, is also a fabricated story, and is especially heinous, manipulative, and emotionally distressing.

Telling people they are “so concerned” about my mental wellbeing, that I am not safe, that I am having a bipolar episode, and/or that they are “so concerned” about me being suicidal is not true. The people saying it know it is not true. It is a way to avoid accountability for their own life choices by framing me as unstable and crazy, to preserve and perpetuate a narrative built to destroy me and protect themselves. It’s textbook DARVO. It’s emotionally distressing.

It’s also unlawful harassment (RCW 7.105.010).

“Unlawful harassment” means a knowing and willful course of conduct directed at a specific person that seriously alarms, annoys, harasses, or is detrimental to such person, and that serves no legitimate or lawful purpose. The course of conduct must be such as would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotional distress, and must actually cause substantial emotional distress to the petitioner.”

Washington State Legislature, RCW 7.105.010

To anyone harassing me, in case there was ever any question, consider this clear and final notice. All future contact with me, directly or through anyone else, is unwanted. Every call, every message, and every crisis story passed through a third party from here on is a choice being made with full knowledge of that. Every bit of it is being thoroughly documented, and all of it can and will be used against whoever is responsible.

Either the people doing this don’t have a clue about what mania actually is, or they are just continuing to try to gaslight me and manipulate others into believing a false narrative because the story is falling apart, people are seeing through the smokescreen, and the piles of lies are eventually going to be exposed. They know which of these is true. So do I.

Anyone who somehow doesn’t understand bipolar disorder should educate themselves about what a bipolar mania episode is before throwing the word around. Stigmatizing language leads to people dying by suicide and it’s ironic to claim to be “so concerned” about someone’s mental wellbeing while knowingly doing emotionally distressing and stigmatizing things.

Still want to call it mania? Here are some hard truths:

Mania does not sit in weekly therapy and fully comply with psychiatric treatment.
Mania doesn’t identify 25 unhealthy patterns and then do the work to eliminate them.
Mania does not write a comprehensive manifesto, aka TuOS, memorize it, and adhere strictly to it.
Mania does not create protective boundaries with people and then keep them.
Mania does not identify suffering and then take steps to reduce or eliminate it.
Mania doesn’t look deeply inward and then do the shadow work around it.
Mania doesn’t intentionally step away and stay away from mental poisons like the news and social media.
Mania doesn’t sleep 8 hours a night and take naps.
Mania does not identify passive suicidality, voluntarily walk into a psychiatric facility, and ask for help.
Mania does not do IFS session after IFS session excavating the parts of itself that caused damage.
Mania does not eliminate alcohol and then, in the middle of the hardest months of its life, choose to eliminate cannabis too.
Mania does not attend weekly support groups.
Mania doesn’t provide peer support and maintain the corresponding certifications.
Mania does not write public amends to people it hurt.
Mania does not hold others accountable using factual and real information.
Mania does not attend near-daily TMS sessions for over two months, without missing a single one.
Mania does not feel guilt.
Mania does not grieve.

Mania runs. Straight into psychosis and delusion.

I have been sober through all of it. Present through all of it. Feeling every single thing, the grief and the guilt and the fear and the loss and the disorientation and the relief and the love, without numbing any of it. That is not what mania looks like. That is what doing the work looks like. That is what self love looks like when it is unglamorous and grinding and costs you everything you thought you needed. Those two things are not the same, and I will not pretend otherwise to make someone else more comfortable with my recovery.

I did all of those things. Every single one of them. Documented, witnessed, supported by my treatment team from every angle, sustained across months.

Three separate mental health providers can confirm I am and have been safe and have at no point been in crisis, manic, psychotic, and/or unstable. They can also confirm that I am not and definitely have not been suicidal at any point either. None of that has been true at any point since my psychiatric hospitalization in November 2023, six weeks before my alcohol sobriety. They can also confirm that I have had severe anxiety and emotional distress resulting from prolonged harassment for the last ten months, and this distress has required medical intervention due to the physical impacts it has had on my body and nervous system.

Here is what they have done. They have harassed me, a disabled veteran who has carried trauma in my body and mind that most people will never come close to understanding. They have dehumanized me. They have taken the mental health challenges I battle every single day, and weaponized them against me. Anyone who has been close to me knows what I have been through nearly killed me. Not once. Multiple times. I have stood at edges that I am not going to describe again and somehow found a reason to step back. I have fought my way through addiction. I have identified and eliminated 25 toxic patterns I was living in. I have lost my entire identity. I have rebuilt myself from nothing, slowly, painfully, and with a lot of help from people who believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. I am still rebuilding. Every single day. Even while people actively try to cause me emotional distress, harass me, compromise my healing, and weaponize my diseases.

Here is what else they have done. They have lied about me. They have called people with crisis stories. They have called the police for welfare checks and to make false allegations. They have called the veteran crisis hotline. They have called my family. They have called my friends. They have told people I am suicidal and manic and whatever other lies came to mind. They have spread rumor after rumor. It’s all untrue, and the people spreading it know it. Whatever they choose to do next, I’m not going to flinch, acknowledge, or respond to any more of it. Ever. Again.

People who do this don’t get to interfere with my life, my healing, or my recovery anymore. I won’t carry any of it anymore. I want nothing to do with them ever again. I never want to see their faces again. And their access to me emotionally and physically has been permanently terminated and denied. Effective immediately. Buh-byeeeeeee.

Nobody makes calls like these from a place of peace. Whatever pain is driving it, I hope it eases. I just can’t be where it lands anymore.

Everyone gets to choose. I’m choosing less suffering myself. ❤️

TL;DR know better, do better.

Just sayin. 😉

That’s what I’m done with. Here’s what it cost me to get here.

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> stay AWAY from my healing: access_PERMANENTLY_denied.CONFIG

Severed is the gentle version, the one where I still love people unconditionally and wish them less suffering from a careful distance. I still do, genuinely. This is the other half of that same sentence.

The severing was the decision I made on the inside. This is the notice I am serving on the outside.

I am completely done allowing the nervous system dysfunction, physical health problems, hypervigilance, and the immense amount of emotional suffering caused by their continued lies, refusal of any and all accountability, denial of harm caused, false victimhood, blame-shifting, DARVO, attacks, rumors, smears, broken promises, theft, boundary violations, emotional abuse, intimidation, manipulation, gaslighting, harassment, and threats.

Every item on that list comes from someone who is hurting. I see that, and I wish them healing. I am still done carrying it.

What they are actually doing is intentionally torturous, malicious, and traumatizing, therefore, whatever physical and emotional access to me they think they even still have has been completely revoked and denied, immediately, permanently and without exceptions.

I guarantee and promise they will never see me again. I am completely disappearing off the radar effective today, because if I haven’t made it clear enough, I’m done.

Today I began living my life the way I want, with complete autonomy and freedom…and without all that suffering.

Until I feel safe again, there will be no further updates to this website or specifics about my life available to anyone outside of my very small and limited circle of trust.

I am very intentionally going to be hard to contact. That said, if anyone needs to contact me, my email address is listed at the bottom of the website.

And to you, the people this post is about: I’m not coming back, and I’m not angry. I love you. I wish you less suffering and more peace than you have ever known, and I hope you find it. I’ll be finding mine, off the radar.

That is the application. There is no source code for this one.

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I am 2KVYOT3. I am unrecognizable. I am love. And I am at peace.

I hope you are too.

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