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Tukayote Helianthus v2
Walking away from suffering.Walking towards love.With intention.
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I went off the radar on September 20. I’m happy, sober, safe, and access to me is closed. I wish everyone involved less suffering and more peace. I’ll be finding mine, out of reach and out of view.
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It costs nothing to choose less suffering for yourself, and it will cost you everything if you don’t. Today I made the hardest decision of my life, severing the last cord tied to a source of suffering I could not reduce any other way. I’m letting go so everyone on the other side of it can let go too, and I wish them love, peace, healing, and joy.
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I built an operating system named after myself, adopted a bison as a personality, A doctor also casually dropped the word cancer on me a month ago and then just moved on with her day, so I’m still waiting to find out if she meant it or was just testing my vocabulary. Happy birthday to me: stable, single, gray-haired, and self-diagnosed as finally the funniest person left in the room.
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August was the month accountability stopped being a concept and became a daily habit. Five farmers markets, eighteen pier sunsets, two hundred sixty miles of walking, and 43,200 TMS pulses later, I held a boundary with people who had been increasing my suffering, did not flinch when they got angry, and came out the other side finally understanding how deep the damage had run. Two hundred thirty eight days sober. Zero patterns repeated. This is the whole receipt.
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I have some big news. And I also want to share what gaslighting actually does to your grip on reality, why doubting yourself becomes a reflex, and why the research on it is a lot more serious than people realize.
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I know what real mania looks like, and a lot of what got called mania wasn’t it. Here’s what real mania was for me, what recovery looks like now, and how I hold my boundaries.
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9 months ago I burned every bridge in my life to the ground. I filmed this dance a few weeks ago on the Whatcom Creek bridge with a train crossing behind me the whole time. The post today is about what 224 days of not giving in actually looks like from the inside, and why the title is not about what you think it is about.
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