My Recovery journey.
No Anesthesia.
No Bullshit.
All love.
🥰
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These months did not break me. They refined me. I screamed into the ocean. I cried alone. I walked through rain and sunlight. I watched the sun set from the pier whenever I could. I wrote amends. I kept my boundaries. I stayed true when it would have been easier to disappear. This is a record of gratitude earned, integrity held, and love chosen again and again.
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Tonight I brought my favorite camera, the Ricoh GRIIIX down to the Little Squalicum Pier and played with multiple exposure photography. At 40mm of course. It was a lot of fun! I go to the pier as often as I can to catch sunsets and reflect on my life. It’s my safe, special place. ❤️
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A simple and fun mindfulness photowalk today collecting pictures of stickers I found on cars in Bellingham. Shot with the Ricoh GRIIIX at 40mm.
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Ego death isn’t a breakthrough. It’s not enlightenment. It’s not a glow-up. It’s the violent collapse of an identity that was keeping you alive while quietly killing you. I ended patterns that were destroying me and detonated my nervous system in the process. I stopped avoiding. I stopped numbing. I stopped performing stability for other people’s comfort. I chose integrity knowing it might never be acknowledged. What followed was months of internal and external torture. Daily triggers. Hypervigilance. Boundaries being tested and violated. People disappearing. Grief without witnesses. Accountability without applause. I screamed into the ocean in cold storms. I…
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This piece was written after avoidance failed and accountability became unavoidable. Behind Old Bellingham City Hall, with the bass of Drowning in the Drip grounding me in my body, I stayed present with the harm I caused, the consequences I earned, and the amends I am making without asking for forgiveness. This is not a redemption story. It is a commitment to never repeating the damage.
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For a long time, accountability felt like punishment. Like a tally of my failures. Like proof that something was wrong with me. What I’m learning now is that real accountability is quieter and far more personal. It’s the willingness to look directly at my patterns without flinching, without turning that awareness into self-hatred, and turning it into positive forward movement. Ownership, for me, means recognizing where I contribute to the suffering of others and myself. It means noticing when I avoid, when I harm, when I overextend, when I take more than I give, or when I reach for relief…
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At sunset on the pier, in the middle of grief I didn’t know how to finish feeling, a complete stranger stepped into my life and quietly changed everything. She didn’t ask for details, explanations, or context. She offered warmth, presence, and long, steady hugs that held my nervous system when words couldn’t. For thirty minutes, the world stopped, grief softened, and I was reminded that kindness, safety, and love exist far beyond romance, history, or expectation.
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