PS C:\> tar -xf What_We_Install_In_Children_v1.zip
Application_Install.exe
The people who were supposed to protect us were also the ones who wrote our earliest code. And a lot of that code was broken. Not because they were bad people, but because they were running broken code themselves. When a toddler melts down and gets told to shut up, or that big boys don’t cry, or gets shamed into silence with a smile, the lesson doesn’t land as a rule. It lands as a belief. My feelings are bad. I am bad for having them. That belief gets buried, and then it runs in the background for decades, quietly wrecking relationships, generating shame, and demanding more shame to feed it.
The fix isn’t complicated, but it isn’t easy either. You have to get vulnerable. You have to love yourself unconditionally, exactly as you are right now, broken code and all. You have to look at your parts, the ones that are loud and the ones that have been hiding since you were three years old, and tell them they are not bad. They never were. And then you do the work to reprogram. It’s possible. A hundred percent possible.
That is the application. The rest is the source code.
SourceCode.txt
The open-source code below is free, for you to analyze, modify, and build your own application with.
Our parents willingly and sometimes unknowingly teach us terrible things. Then we get to unravel it all 20-30 years later as adults. For me, after raising children, repeating my parents’ parenting mistakes, and becoming estranged from my daughters for over a year and a half now.
Tonight I learned about Internal Family Systems. Tip of the iceberg though. Really good stuff.
Apologies in advance, but I am going to be more active on social media about this than I was about CrossFit for a few years.
> parent_install.log
Listened to a guy recall his mother telling him he was such a good boy for not crying and screaming (having perfectly normal toddler emotions and tantrums). He remembers that from age three. He had a “perfect trauma free” upbringing by two well educated parents (professors). He called it the “Leave it to Beaver” family. “Nothing wrong at home.”
I thought as I heard him tell the story that I was going to hear how positive this was for him. It seemed like a stark contrast to how I was raised. I would be so lucky to have his positive parents.
After all, I grew up hearing, “Shut up or I will give you something to cry about.” And, a real bingo, “Big boys don’t cry.” Not just from my parents, but from extended family and neighbors.
> output_identical.txt
Real bingo? Yeah. This guy and I were both delivered a traumatic message. The same exact one.
“Don’t share your feelings. And definitely don’t show negative emotions. Because it’s bad.”
> recursive_shame.exe
And because it was declared bad by people who are our trusted protectors, it was internalized as shame whenever I had a normal toddler tantrum. Shame driven tantrums were a part of my teenage development and on through a majority of my adulthood. And they were usually shame triggered. And generated more shame themselves. And lots of family and friend damage. Which generates more shame. A big shame ferris wheel on fire.
> patch_notes.recovery
Until I got raw, and vulnerable, and open about it. Brené Brown says that “Vulnerability is the antidote to shame.” I can’t find anything more true for me. And you can’t get real vulnerable until you accept and love yourself as-is. All of your parts are inherently good, even the ones that are failing you at the moment. And then start doing the actual work to heal and reprogram this old thinking.
Unconditional self love is so important. More important than anything. It isn’t easy, especially with shameful programming learned in childhood. But it’s 100% possible.
Is the shame monster on your back? Shoot me a message. Let’s talk. There is hope.
I love you. As-is. All of you.
Love, Tukayote