PS C:\> tar -xf Bipolar_Frustration_v1.zip
Application_Install.exe
Living with bipolar disorder means you can’t always trust your own good feelings. That’s not a metaphor. That’s the actual, daily reality. When something feels exciting or expansive, there’s always a voice in the background asking: is this real, or is this mania? And that question costs you something. It taxes every high, every burst of joy, every moment of momentum. Most people get to feel good without having to audit it first. That’s not a luxury everyone has.
The lesson here is that self-awareness is not the same as self-doubt. Catching a pattern, naming what’s happening in your nervous system, and making adjustments is not weakness. It’s the work. It’s what keeps the wheels on. Recognizing that something is off, and then doing something about it, before it becomes a crisis, is one of the hardest and most important things a person can learn to do.
That is the application. The rest is the source code.
SourceCode.txt
The open-source code below is free, for you to analyze, modify, and build your own application with.
> never_quite_sure_if_it_is_real: GoodFeelings.exe
The thing that frustrates me to no end with bipolar disorder is never being able to trust good feelings. Because it might be mania. And it might even be mixed with depression. And it might even be cycling rapidly.
Or it’s just a good feeling. A normal, everyday good feeling. The kind everyone enjoys. Without worries.
I rarely feel big excitement because it’s interlaced with fear of mania. Mania of all forms, especially hypomania, or hypomania mixed with depression, presents big challenges in my life. Often in gift wrapped glitter bombs. The glitter finds its way into everything.
> reading_the_diagnostics: HypomaniaChart.log
The universe brought me this chart today. It is helping me recognize some hypomanic things that I have not been paying attention to. It’s helping me understand my recent behaviors, make adjustments to my path of travel, and to repair what needs repair.
> assessing_the_damage: MedChange.diff
It also means that the good feelings weren’t real. That my med change has caused some destabilization of the disorder. Some mild mania, of the not-fun kind. I made a mess of some things in the midst of it.
It’s not a crisis. I am lucid, aware, and in touch with reality. But it isn’t rainbows and glitter either. I am in the middle of med changes, in the middle of a major career/life change. Timing sucks, but it wasn’t optional. I am hoping with my resources, intestinal fortitude, and knowing that I am over halfway through the medication change, I can complete this transition without any further distress or complications.
Friends with bipolar disorder…I feel you!