Indifference is the complete opposite of love. It destroys relationships and prevents any opportunity of healing, repair, and reconciliation afterwards.
Love is the only antidote.
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> Display 202608: NOT_INDIFFERENT.MP4
Stubborn Love by the Lumineers has been a track on my playlist for many months. It’s brought me to my knees with tears in my eyes many times. Today I moved with it. Not all of the lyrics resonate or apply to my feelings and events of my past, but the ones I share below hit me straight in the chest every time.
It’s better to feel pain, than nothing at all. The opposite of love is indifference.
Heartbreak hurts like hell because there was love. There still is love. There will always be love. And even though the love has changed, it isn’t ever erased.
If love didn’t exist or doesn’t still exist, then I would be indifferent about everything related to this love and simply wouldn’t care at all. I hurt because I care. I lost something important when I made a mistake and it was something that mattered to me. It fucking stings.
I would rather feel the pain, than to not feel anything though. It means I have a beating heart and care. It means that I’m not a monster. It means that I am a human being who made a mistake and is trying to live my amends and rebuild in the ashes left behind by my past. It means that the pain has real meaning behind it, and for me, that pain is sacred. It is the pain that has motivated me to change every aspect of my life, and to never break my heart or anyone else’s heart this way again.
It’s why this kind of grief is so hard and so intense. It’s why it never ends. The loss never goes away. The impacts never disappear. The consequences never vanish. The heartbreak and grief follows us forever in some form.
…the outcome of indifference is usually a sense of insecurity in the relationship, a sense of uncertainty as to whether or not the indifferent person actually cares what happens to the relationship. Indifference, or emotional disengagement, on the part of one partner usually causes anxiety for the other. After all, how can they know they’re loved, valued or cherished? Indifference is the opposite of validating the importance of keeping your partner in your life…
One of the things I have reflected on many times is where I was indifferent in my relationships, often without even knowing I was being this way. And where I feel like my partners were as well, even if they didn’t realize it either. Ultimately for me this showed up as avoidance and in many other patterns I lived in because I became indifferent to my partners. In the end, when I was “the death of every relationship” it was my indifference to their emotions and experiences that killed the connections we had. Their indifferences to me took form in many ways which I am not going to name here. And it is my realization of theirs and shift away from my own indifferences afterwards, when it’s often too late and too much damage has been done, that intensifies the grief of the loss. It magnifies the guilt and the remorse I already feel.
Be love my friends. Drop the indifference. Being indifferent breaks everyone’s hearts, including your own.
So keep your head up, keep your love. Keep your head up, my love.
This piece comes straight from my heart because I am unkillable love.
It was written with care and intention, grounded in my love, compassion, vulnerability, and gratitude.
It reflects my healing, my recovery, my acceptance, and my commitment to accountability and ownership, and to making amends through the way I choose to live my life today.
Thank you, truly, for taking the time to read this chapter of my journey. It means more to me than I can say.
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