C:> cd LegacyFear\1.0\Uninstall\
Application_Uninstall.exe
Fear of being alone is one of the most destructive forces a human being can carry. It doesn’t announce itself as fear. It shows up as the decisions you make, the people you let in, the substances you use, the patterns you repeat, the chaos you create just to avoid the silence. Every single one of those decisions makes sense when you understand the root. You weren’t broken. You were running a program that was written before you were old enough to know it was even being installed.
The application uninstall is this: solitude is not the enemy. Solitude is where you actually meet yourself. And when you finally stop running from it, you realize that the thing you were most terrified of is the only place you were ever actually safe. Being alone isn’t dangerous, it’s true freedom in its most pure and complete form.
Featuring Bearson – Get Lost (feat. Ashe) [ford. Remix] / ford. – The Color of Nothing
SourceCode.txt
The open-source code below is free, for you to analyze, modify, and build your own application with.
> initializing: 04/06/2026 23:59
I walked to the pier late Wednesday night. My first long distance walk in two months following a really painful injury. That night, I was completely pain free even after 7.5 miles on foot.
Exactly what I wanted.
My nearly 6 year no contact order related to my criminal charges in 2020 expired at midnight. I wanted to be at my special spot at midnight to celebrate my freedom from the legal system. The pier has seen many versions of me, and it only seemed fitting to make this transition there.
I am now completely free of everything that has tied me down. Every last single thing.
Truly free as a fucking bird.
> legacy_code: what_the_fear_cost.log
I use that phrase a lot as I cut the cords that have tied me down. All of it has been around people and patterns so far. And I have felt 99% free for several months. Except this one little criminal thing. And although it’s just 1% of the things, its weight is almost more than the other 99% combined.
It makes employment hard. Not the background check part – yeah that’s a challenge with some employers but whatever. The real challenge is that most places I want to work are public facing. And if I am at work and the protected party walks in, legally I have to leave. Walking off the job while on the clock is a really big thing.
The second big thing is judgy people. People who define me by a past I haven’t lived once since that moment when I got in trouble. I lost friends that night that me and a group went to a big holiday party and I had to suddenly leave because the protected party was there. People who accepted me with no problems at all as I was at that moment immediately before leaving. And as soon as they knew about the no contact order, they ran away with judgment like I was a serial killer in disguise. That part doesn’t bother me much anymore, it’s more of an annoyance. If people want to be conditional with their love and judge me by who I was and not who I am – and completely ignore the years of hard work I have done to live my amends every single day – good riddance. Not my people. But it is a loss. And that is the part about it that sucks.
I don’t ask everyone in my life to give me a resume of all the bad things they have done in their lives. I believe who they are today based upon how they live their lives today. I trust, unconditionally love, and accept you as you are, knowing very well that you have done something fucked up in your life at some point. Does it define you today? Yes. Either it defines you in a negative light if you are continuing the harmful pattern – or it defines you in a positive light as a person who is doing their work and being accountable by living their amends and not doing the harmful thing again.
Everyone has a track record somewhere with something and somebody.
As Alan Watts says, “You are a villain in someone’s story, a hero in another’s.”
> root_cause_analysis: fear_of_being_alone.exe
Today I drove to Seattle to reward myself with a show.
Teared up on the drive. It hit me.
There I was headed to Seattle to see ford. – one of the most significant sounds of my transformation in the last five months. He has been my soundtrack. Every emotion I have felt, joyful to sad, his sound has held me.
I am going all alone. And completely happy with that. I’m no longer afraid of being alone. That’s what hit me and put tears in my eyes.
My fear of being alone drove every single destructive pattern and decision I have made.
It’s the root of my criminal charges. The root of my addictions. The reason my right foot is permanently scarred and disfigured. The reason for my codependency. The reason for the avoidance that destroyed every special relationship I had. I can’t think of a single thing that has challenged me in my life that didn’t have a tie to this specific fear.
I used to be absolutely terrified to be alone with myself. Terrified of the thoughts. The quiet. Every part of it. I have been afraid of being alone for as long as I can remember. I often wonder if I was left to cry in a crib as a baby.
Being alone has ALWAYS meant danger. It meant death as an infant. Not being alone meant survival. I didn’t know any other way to survive than to have another human being in my presence.
This fear I believed was insurmountable and would cause me suffering for eternity, and now it is a part of my past. Completely.
The ironic thing I have learned is that being alone is freedom and the only truly safe thing I have as an adult.
My solitude is sacred now. I don’t give it away. I don’t need to give it away. I am very picky now with who I share my time with.
This all just hit me. 😭
Happy fucking tears I have earned. ❤️
> closing_circles: write_new_chapters.sh
I also, without planning or realizing it until it happened, am closing circles today. My last time at Ballard Locks was with the protected party who I got in legal trouble with. The show tonight is at Nectar Lounge. Last time I was there was with an ex-partner to go see a favorite DJ. They didn’t enjoy the show, just the free drinks and fancy dinner I provided. So it’s been tainted.
Today I am taking it all back and closing all of those circles. I’m writing new chapters in these places. I have been shooting 360 video all day to capture my first day of real freedom. Sober. No court orders. Single. Alone without fear. Stable. Happy.
I had an amazing Indian dinner with a killer mocktail.
My Indian food favorites.
At the show at the Nectar Lounge, ford. played “the color of nothing.” Right after “Get Lost” (to find yourself). Two of my three most favorite songs.
I cried all the way through both of em. Nothing but pure love pouring out of my eyes. Just like I wrote about in the piece, Time to Wake Up, about my night at INZO with my platonic love at the end of March, it’s hard to believe I am standing here alive in this moment.
I’ve had to hurt so much to earn these tears of joy. It’s the hardest thing to put into words. It’s like waking up from a near death experience. Suddenly realizing you are still alive following a time in which you believed with every ounce of being you had died in. Like I was given a second chance at life.
It’s the hardest and heaviest really good feeling I have ever experienced and sat with.
Sober. ❤️
> deploy: freedom_confirmed.log
That wasn’t all though. A person running the merch booth was flirting with me the entire evening and in my own very creative and fun way, I gave her my number and told her to hit me up if she is ever in the area.
A place tainted on a former date was now a place that I was exploring love on my terms, completely solo, sober, listening to my favorite music, and being completely free to live how I want to.
Nobody is controlling how I live, stopping me from living the way I want to, silencing my truth, or any other form of interference with my happiness. Damn near 100 people have tried in the past 5.75 months, and some keep trying, and 0.00% have succeeded. I have denied 100% of them access to me and will continue denying them and adding more people to the list if they even try me.
Needless to say, I am happier than a pig in shit right now.
May 7, 2026 is my first day of complete freedom, possibly since birth. A special day that I have earned from the changes I have made in my life, the patterns I am eliminating, my sobriety, and the fear of being alone that I have completely resolved. It was single handedly the best day of my entire life. I spent it all alone and without any drugs or substances altering it. ❤️
As I told a friend on their birthday yesterday, this work we are doing – it’s difficult at first, but it just gets better and better and better and better and better. And better.
My first 1AM downtown walk since I got injured two months ago.
I am Tukayote.
I am unrecognizable.
I am love.