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Application_Install.exe
To the people this post is about: before anything else, I love you. I wish you less suffering and more peace, today and every day after this one. That has not changed, and nothing below changes it.
On September 8th I made the hardest decision of my life and severed the last cord tied to a source of suffering I could not reduce, eliminate, or change any other way. For most of my adult life I ran from every storm, and every storm I avoided just kept growing while I looked away. Not anymore. I’m severing. I’m disappearing. I’m done. I’m completely done.
The last video you get until I feel safe again, recorded 9/18/26.
Love, for me, is simply wishing for less suffering and more happiness, for myself and for everyone else, and I still love the people who hurt me. But loving someone unconditionally never meant giving them unlimited access to me, so their access is revoked, permanently, with no exceptions. To anyone who has been told I’m not safe, or manic, or in crisis, or in need of hospitalization: none of it is true. I’m sober, I’m in treatment, and I have three providers who know the truth. It costs nothing to choose less suffering for yourself, and it will cost you everything if you don’t. This is not a crisis, it is not giving up, and it is not quitting. It is walking into the storm on purpose and telling everyone who has ever hurt me to stay away from my healing.
To anyone who has been calling the people in my life, the police, or a crisis line about me: I’m not unsafe. I’m not in crisis. I’m not manic, psychotic, or suicidal. I’m sober, I’m in treatment, and three providers know the truth.
Please stop. Contact about me through other people is unwanted. Every call, message, and story passed along from here on is a choice, and I’m keeping a record of it.
I won’t respond. I’m off the radar, and access to me stays closed.
I mean every word of this. This decision is final. I am disappearing off the radar until I feel safe again. Contacting me will be difficult.
> what recovery looks like from here: work_log.DEF
Still want to call it mania? Here are some hard truths:
Mania does not sit in weekly therapy and fully comply with psychiatric treatment.
Mania doesn’t identify 25 unhealthy patterns and then do the work to eliminate them.
Mania does not write a comprehensive manifesto, aka TuOS, memorize it, and adhere strictly to it.
Mania does not create protective boundaries with people and then keep them.
Mania does not identify suffering and then take steps to reduce or eliminate it.
Mania doesn’t look deeply inward and then do the shadow work around it.
Mania doesn’t intentionally step away and stay away from mental poisons like the news and social media.
Mania doesn’t sleep 8 hours a night and take naps.
Mania does not identify passive suicidality, voluntarily walk into a psychiatric facility, and ask for help.
Mania does not do IFS session after IFS session excavating the parts of itself that caused damage.
Mania does not eliminate alcohol and then, in the middle of the hardest months of its life, choose to eliminate cannabis too.
Mania does not attend weekly support groups.
Mania doesn’t provide peer support and maintain the corresponding certifications.
Mania does not write public amends to people it hurt.
Mania does not hold others accountable using factual and real information.
Mania does not attend near-daily TMS sessions for over two months, without missing a single one.
Mania does not feel guilt.
Mania does not grieve.
Mania runs. Straight into psychosis and delusion.
I have been sober through all of it. Present through all of it. Feeling every single thing, the grief and the guilt and the fear and the loss and the disorientation and the relief and the love, without numbing any of it. That is not what mania looks like. That is what doing the work looks like. That is what self love looks like when it is unglamorous and grinding and costs you everything you thought you needed. Those two things are not the same, and I will not pretend otherwise to make someone else more comfortable with my recovery.
I did all of those things. Every single one of them. Documented, witnessed, supported by my treatment team from every angle, sustained across months.
Three separate mental health providers can confirm I am and have been safe and have at no point been in crisis, manic, psychotic, and/or unstable. They can also confirm that I am not and definitely have not been suicidal at any point either. None of that has been true at any point since my psychiatric hospitalization in November 2023, six weeks before my alcohol sobriety. They can also confirm that I have had severe anxiety and emotional distress for the last ten months, and that it has required medical intervention due to the physical impacts on my body and nervous system.
I’m a disabled veteran who has carried trauma in my body and mind that most people will never come close to understanding. Anyone who has been close to me knows what I have been through nearly killed me. Not once. Multiple times. I have stood at edges that I am not going to describe again and somehow found a reason to step back. I have fought my way through addiction. I have identified and eliminated 25 toxic patterns I was living in. I have lost my entire identity. I have rebuilt myself from nothing, slowly, painfully, and with a lot of help from people who believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. I am still rebuilding. Every single day.
I won’t carry any of it anymore. And access to me, emotionally and physically, has been permanently terminated and denied. Effective immediately.
Whatever pain is behind it, I hope it eases. I just can’t be where it lands anymore.
Everyone gets to choose. I’m choosing less suffering myself. ❤️
TL;DR know better, do better.
Just sayin. 😉
That’s what I’m done with. Here’s what it cost me to get here.
> stay AWAY from my healing: access_PERMANENTLY_denied.CONFIG
Severed is the gentle version, the one where I still love people unconditionally and wish them less suffering from a careful distance. I still do, genuinely. This is the other half of that same sentence.
The severing was the decision I made on the inside. This is the notice I am serving on the outside.
I am completely disappearing off the radar effective today, because if I haven’t made it clear enough, I’m done.
Today I began living my life the way I want, with complete autonomy and freedom…and without all that suffering.
Until I feel safe again, there will be no further updates to this website or specifics about my life available to anyone outside of my very small and limited circle of trust.
I am very intentionally going to be hard to contact. That said, if anyone needs to contact me, my email address is listed at the bottom of the website.
And to you, the people this post is about: I’m not coming back, and I’m not angry. I love you. I wish you less suffering and more peace than you have ever known, and I hope you find it. I’ll be finding mine, off the radar.
That is the application. There is no source code for this one.
I am 2KVYOT3. I am unrecognizable. I am love. And I am at peace.
I hope you are too.
