“I was the life of every party, and the death of every relationship.”
This is My Recovery.
No Anesthesia.
No MALARKEY.
All love.
🥰
-
Almost 8 days. Then anxiety won, Roxy showed up, and I burned one down. My body hated it. Pulse in the low 100s, miserable, high, and uncomfortable for hours. I also injured my ankle trying to walk the anxiety out beforehand. Cowboy talked me off the shame ledge and reminded me I’m doing my best. Today is a new day. Recovery was never about perfection.
-
Anxiety waves, boundary violations, cravings. I walked 4.26mph tonight trying to get the war out of my system. Behind every craving I’ve ever had is the same thing: an anxiety/fear part that Roxy will do anything to protect. She’s a dopamine girl, and she’s exhausted. Part of my 2025 work is figuring out how to channel what she’s got without burning us both down.
-
Three years ago, I publicly declared I was thriving—healthier than ever, fewer meds, solid friendships, my kids doing better. Four days later, I was drunk, high, manic, suicidal, psychotic, and locked in a psychiatric ward. That cycle repeated until I finally told myself the truth: sobriety wasn’t a preference, it was the only way forward. On January 13, 2024, I stopped drinking. Choosing sobriety—first from alcohol, then from kratom—became one of the deepest acts of self-love I’ve ever made. Now my goal is simple and radical: to understand my true baseline mental health, without substances distorting it. That clarity feels…
-
I was drunk, bleeding on the ground at 2AM after a 7 mile walk home from work. It took two more years and two more intoxicated ER psych visits before I fully understood the grip alcohol had on me. I’m still learning what the damage looks like. But today, I’m 341 days sober, and I’m not done yet. If you’re struggling with booze, I see you. Reach out anytime.
-
Anxiety has been with me since childhood. I’ve used a lot of things to numb it. Cannabis was one of the better ones — until I stopped cold turkey to prep for brain scans, and found out it had a death grip on me I never saw coming. Now I’m in full withdrawals, feeling terrible, sitting in a VA ER. But here’s the thing: this is the first time I’ve ever proactively asked for psychiatric help while completely sober. No substances, no fog. Just me, steering the wheel, advocating for myself. Tonight is a win.
-
A Christmas letter to my estranged daughters. This year cracked me open in the best possible way — therapy, bipolar treatment, transformation. I’m not the same person I was. I’m not asking them to forget the past. I’m asking for a future where we get to find out who we’ve all become. I miss them more than words. I’m patient. I’m hopeful. I love them with everything I have.
-
I grew up hearing “big boys don’t cry” and “shut up or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Turns out, so did a guy with two professor parents and a “Leave it to Beaver” childhood. Same message, different delivery. Same result: shame baked in so deep it ran my life for decades. Tonight I found Internal Family Systems and something finally clicked. Vulnerability is the antidote to shame. Unconditional self love is the work. And all of your parts are good, even the ones currently failing you.
Trending Posts
Trending Tags
40mm accountability alcohol sobriety amends anxiety anxious attachment avoidance bass music bellingham washington bipolar disorder black and white photography boundaries breakups cannabis sobriety childhood trauma codependency community courage CPTSD dance doing the work downtown bellingham ego death electronic music emotional sobriety estrangement family fatherhood fear of abandonment fear of loss of love fear of rejection Fixed Zoom freedom friendship full color photography gratitude grief guilt happiness healing healing journey identity transformation integrity internal family systems joy kratom sobriety letting go little squalicum pier lived experience long distance walking loss love major life changes mental health mindfulness mindful photography monochrome music nervous system regulation new beginnings no contact ocean therapy ownership Pacific Northwest parental wounding parts work patterns peace peer support performing personal growth photography platonic relationships psychiatric hospitalization psych meds psychosis radical acceptance recovery relationship damage relationships resilience Ricoh GRIIIX secure attachment self-compassion self-discovery self-love selfies shadow work shame slow photography sobriety sovereignty starting over transformation trauma truth unconditional love unkillable unrecognizable vulnerability
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email