Package Contents
Application_Install.exe
Severing cords is not the same as running away. Sometimes the only way to break the gridlock is to cut the last thing you are still holding onto, and once you do, your body tells you the truth fast. The sleep comes back. The appetite comes back. The grief finally gets to move. That is how you know it was the right call.
But cutting cords is only half of it. The other half is deciding what you are going to live by now. Get clear on what you don’t want. Get clear on what you do. Then set intentions you are actually serious about, the kind your future self would be proud of, and stop catalog shopping for a life. Let the right things find you. Live on purpose.
That is the application. The rest is the source code.
Source_Code.txt
The open-source code below is free, for you to analyze, modify, and build your own application with.
> this is not an update, it is a declaration: readme.txt
Two weeks ago, in Off_The_Radar_MP4.zip, I said this:
Until I feel safe again, there will be no further updates to this website or information about my life available to anyone outside of my very small and limited circle of trust.
I meant it. I still mean it.
Safety is starting to return. Not all at once, but enough that my nervous system is no longer on fire and I can finally put words to something again. So I am writing. But this is not an update.
Nothing in this post reveals the decision I made or anything about my life since making it. That information is still only available to my circle of trust, and it is staying there.
What this post is, is a declaration. The intentions I am living by from here forward. You don’t need to know my life to know how I am choosing to live it.
> uncomfortably accurate from a stranger: tarot_reading.log
Yesterday morning on a walk around town, I saw a sign on a window of a business for a woman doing tarot readings and it had a QR code to schedule an appointment. I felt drawn to it for some reason, it caught my eye in the middle of all the other posters. I scanned the QR code and a few hours later was sitting in front of a very intuitive woman on a patio in her backyard.
She basically said, without me telling her, all the things I am already doing in my life. And then brought up the part about setting intentions. Emphasizing that my biggest power is my ability to communicate everything I need and want, my boundaries, and what I will and won’t allow in my life. To use my words to protect my healing and keep others from compromising it.
She further went on to talk about the power of solitude and how it is something I should spend time exploring and incorporating into my life, which I already am. I really love my solitude. It’s been almost 10 months of solitude minus a brief stint dating in June for a few weeks that showed me how much I enjoyed my solitude and it’s why I returned to it..
She said that me setting intentions, seeking solitude, and allowing things to come to me is the way I cut the cords that connect me to my old life and people no longer in it.
Uncomfortably accurate.
> I didn't seek it, it found me: organic_connection.dll
Allowing things to come to me means that I don’t go out and seek people, communities, and connections. No joining a bunch of circles to find people. No dating apps. No recruiting friends. No Meetup.com and social media groups. Let things happen naturally and organically.
Oddly enough in our conversation we spoke about yoga nidra and she brought up a yoga class she teaches and an upcoming seminar. Not as a sales pitch, but as a genuine recommendation for something that would be helpful for my journey. And invited me to it. Instead of me going on google and seeking something like this out, a random poster led me to this woman, which led me to yoga nidra and that is opening a natural organic door to further connecting with people in the healing and inner work community.
I didn’t go seek it out. It found me.
My old life was essentially catalog shopping. Going on google, looking up every event, activity, and adventure I could find. Packing my calendar with it. Hundreds of social media groups and followed pages. Meetup.com activities galore. Dating apps. Dating events. Seek seek seek the next hit of dopamine and adrenaline. Spray and pray method to finding connections.
It’s exhausting because you find hundreds of them and then have to filter them out, and usually it’s after the connection is established and that leads to stress and anxiety when you have to end the shitty ones. If I let things come to me, I have a lot less filtering and cleaning to do if it isn’t right.
Plus, I am getting very good at sensing and smelling out the wrong types of people for me. The substance and alcohol feeling-numbers, the manipulators, the gaslighters, the liars, the people who want to use me, the fake people, the insecurely attached people, the people who don’t love themselves, the people who can’t respect boundaries, the people who DARVO, the people who avoid accountability, the people who aren’t real, genuine, authentic, and vulnerable. On and on.
I see their headlights ten miles away when they are headed towards me now. By the time they should have reached me, I have already turned down a different road.
> the day the last safe thing fell: august_27.log
On August 27th, I learned that a thing that felt safe and sacred to me was no longer safe at all. And may have not been safe for months on end without me even knowing.
That moment is when I realized I had been deeply gaslit and manipulated for several years and the gaslighting had kept me trapped in a vicious cycle of shame, guilt, and bargaining over things that weren’t actually things I did wrong.
This has kept me from being able to grieve all the things that have surfaced since I became sober in January, things from recent events all the way back into childhood that I had numbed away. It was like a gridlock on my nervous system because the grief cycles could never complete due to constant interruption and the associated hypervigilance of a system trapped in fight or flight because it couldn’t feel safe.
I asked for help with the situation as it escalated in the following days, and the help was denied and thrown back in my face, telling me I was not safe and I was the problem.
Once I realized that the situation was going to continue to escalate, and was not getting any better after months of hoping it would, and my nervous system being continually on fire was only going to get worse, and realized that I was starting to experience physical health problems (including a doctor thinking it could be cancer) from it, and that I hadn’t been able to eat more than 4-5 meals a week for the entire year, and and and, that’s when I knew I had to make a drastic change and sever all ties, connections, and cords to almost everything and everyone associated with my former and current lifestyle and identity.
I had already severed countless connections with partners, friends, family, associates, communities, events, activities, drugs, and alcohol. But that wasn’t enough. Being chemically sober wasn’t enough. The nervous system was still on fire because there was one last thing I had still been holding onto, and it had to go.
That specific thing is only known to me and a very small number of very trusted people. Anyone outside of that trust circle is not entitled to that information and it and all specifics of my life moving forward after the decision on September 8th, as promised, is not available to anyone and will not be an update on the website.
This blog is not an update on my life, it is me establishing my intentions moving forward. I am still not revealing any specifics of anything I am actually doing in my life now.
> the fire is finally going out: system_vitals.csv
Drastic and noticeable changes have already occurred since I executed the decision and made the off the radar declaration on September 20th.
Since then, my sleep has improved both in a felt sense and numerically by measurements on my fitness tracker. My stress levels in the last seven days have started to plummet, both in a felt sense and by measurements on my fitness tracker including HRV, and resting heart rate. My energy levels feel better and are also showing in fitness tracking measurements.
My anxiety is decreasing. My PTSD triggers and responses are declining. The adrenaline surges and nervous system waves of dysregulation are decreasing. My hypervigilance is becoming nearly non-existent.
My appetite suddenly returned in the last two days after being nearly non-existent for months on end. I ate three meals yesterday, plus snacks. It’s almost more than I ate in the last week total, combined.
Yesterday, for the first time in over ten months, I not only bought groceries, but I also cooked myself a meal. Returning to my love of cooking was a big delight just in itself. For dinner, I made myself a triple-smashburger, with Wagyu beef pan-fried in grass-fed salted butter, topped with jalapeño jack cheese melted over fresh flame-roasted Hatch green chiles, a special sauce drizzle, red-onion, and a slice of heirloom tomato. On a brioche bun, toasted of course. Sided with a batch of homemade, hand-cut, seasoned, air-fried French fries. Added an NA Best Day IPA for the beverage.
> the only person I have to manage is me: solitude.exe
Solitude is the ultimate form of freedom, power, and control of your life. The only thing I have to manage is myself. Not someone else’s feelings, expectations, emotions, experience, or anything else. I don’t have to perform, please, or conform to someone else. I have full autonomy to choose as I see fit to do anything I want.
The solitude also gives me a great amount of time to explore scenarios, try new things, and find peace with myself. Solitude is where you learn that you are your most important relationship and person. The entire world and everything you have and are connected to can change or disappear in an instant. You yourself are the common denominator in your life, at all times.
Solitude has taught me how to transition from codependency and needing things external to me to feel happy, secure, and loved, to healthy interdependence and independence.
Any connection in my life now is not a necessity. It’s complementary.
The few weeks of dating showed me quickly how much I didn’t like having to manage things outside of myself. I found myself energetically, empathetically, and emotionally drained almost instantly. It is where I learned that I am autistic and that is an entirely new thing for me to understand and learn about.
And I can’t try to understand this part of me at the same time I am trying to learn and understand new romantic connections. I am barely in the beginning of deeply connecting with myself so it’s hard for me to be able to find the energy and capacity to deeply connect with someone else, especially romantically. It’s not fair to them if I cannot show up completely in the way that type of connection needs in order for it to be healthy and meaningful.
> judge me by who I am now: current_build.log
I want to be judged by who I am now and not who I was then.
The now person is sober, is not a person with anger problems, is not a person with unstable mental health, is not unsafe, is not manic or having a bipolar episode, is using and keeping boundaries, and is not any of the 20+ patterns I used to live in.
I am not walking around town high and drunk and the life of the party and the death of the relationships and well known to the police and psych ward.
I am certain the police system has some reference to my former unstable bipolar manic nightmare days as they seem to go straight to that when people in the past several months have falsely reported potential mental health problems to them about me. They seem to automatically be biased towards the people reporting it, even when it is completely untrue. It feels like I will never be able to have them see me in the correct and current light.
If their system can flag me by my past from 3 years ago, why can’t it flag me as sober and in full healthy substance and mental health recovery?
> no longer paved over by chaos: grief_unblocked.wav
I am finding teary moments coming to the surface easier. Even today in the tarot reading I got teared up.
I am starting to be able to feel my feelings, the loss, and the deep hurts I have not been able to because they were either numbed, or being paved over by the chaos that has existed post-sobriety and pre-severing.
> what I am living by from here: intentions.cfg
The reader told me to start setting intentions about my life moving forward to keep me on course and not falling back towards everything I left behind.
It’s like the decision matrix. It all boils down to if something is going to cause or increase suffering for me or others. The full list of questions is helpful if I am not sure. This set of intentions is the boiled down version of my manifesto I call TuOS, that I am declaring. And when I need to expand on how to keep the intention maintained, I can go deeper into the manifesto.
- I am living the life I want today, not someday. No more postponing it.
- I cut cords to be safe, not to be small. Severing was protection. It was not hiding from living.
- Who I’m with, what I’m doing, when and where it’s happening, the why behind my choices, and how I’m living are mine to share. Only the most trusted few get them. That access is earned by them and denied to all others.
- I am letting the old life stay behind me. I love the people I’ve severed from a distance or with no contact, and I am not reaching back.
- I am letting people meet who I am now. New connections get the sober me, with no residue attached. My history is mine to share when trust is earned, not before. I will not be preemptively sharing my “bad choice resume” out of fear and insecurity.
- I am building safe spaces and keeping them mine. Inside myself and outside. Nobody gets to follow me there uninvited.
- I am staying sober, chemically and emotionally. Same operating system, every single day.
- I am going slow with every new connection of any type. A fresh start is not a reason to rush anyone into it.
- I am choosing safety over familiarity. When the old life feels comfortable, I remember it was never safe.
When the pull hits:
- Does this reopen a door I closed?
- Am I reaching back because I’m lonely, or because it’s actually good for me?
- Would the version of me who chose to sever be proud of this?
Probably number 3 will be the hardest. People are inherently curious and often quite nosy. And because of my history with poorly managed and unstable mental health, many people want to know what’s going on so they can make sure I am ok and not in crisis. Some people use that as a weapon to harass me. Other people genuinely care and are genuinely curious about my wellbeing. I am quite well actually. And I want to keep my present life private as hell.
So it’s hard to find a balance, and me going off the radar with lots of people has led to some of them feeling hurt, excluded, confused, pissed off, and other feelings. They take my personal decision of extreme privacy as something personal with them. Others fear that I am isolating. Some don’t understand solitude. So it’s very easy to be tempted to start sharing information with all those people who are dying to know about my decision and my life following it to make them feel comfortable. Sacrificing my needs for privacy, solitude, and protection of my healing, for their needs of comfort, is codependency in a nutshell. That’s a pattern I am not living in anymore and certainly not returning to.
As with all decisions I have made with my life since the big reset, I am firm with it. Even if people don’t like it. It’s not about them. It’s about me protecting months of hard work I have done since my identity and entire world as I knew it collapsed in seconds last fall.
> when solitude starts to slide: isolation_check.diff
Isolation feels like avoidance. Like I don’t want to be seen, hiding, ashamed, embarrassed, etc. Solitude is intentionally choosing to be alone with myself in a positive healthy way. I spoke about isolation in Your_Labels_Hurt_Me_v1.zip and really clarified what isolation is and isn’t.
Isolation is when the silence extends to even the trusted circle. When the people I love the most become avoided and I am severing contact out of fear, unable to be vulnerable, not asking for help, etc. Isolation is when those people check in on me and I don’t reply. Isolation is when I find myself running away from things that are safe.
When I notice them I remind myself of two things: ask for help, and the thing you don’t want to talk about is the thing you must talk about.
> following the invitation with no agenda: liminal_space.tmp
Yes. I am going to the yoga nidra seminar. My intuition told me to follow that invitation and explore it without expectation for something more or to secure something more.
Explore it mindfully in the present, be grateful for the opportunity, be open minded towards what it could hold for you, and explore that new liminal space.
I’m not committed to anything beyond it. And I’m not even committed to doing it at all. If my intuition shifts, I don’t go. If my intuition holds, I explore without an agenda.
> defined only by what I choose now: declaration.txt
I have come to really understand what I don’t want. I have also come to understand everything I do want. And now it’s time to live on purpose in a way that facilitates what I want in my life. To live on purpose in a way that my future self would approve of and be proud of.
I am living my life today in the present, as my current and best self, leveled-up, in gratitude for everything from my past that has led to this moment, but not allowing myself to be defined by that past, and only allowing myself to be defined through my current choices and behaviors in my life.
> your turn to live on purpose: setup_wizard.exe
In the dating event I went to earlier this year, at the end they gave us a notebook. They then gave us a prompt that was to write about “What I really want.” Not in a partner. But in life.
What do you really want in your life? What do you want in yourself and others? How do you want to show up for yourself and the world? What would your future self want you to do now?
Well, if you really want your future self to be proud of current you, how are you going to behave? What are you going to thoughtfully and mindfully choose in your decision making? What is realistic? What is your mission statement that you can remain aligned with?
Most importantly, are you actually serious or just writing something you’ll never look at again? And if you aren’t serious, why are you writing it but not executing it? Is there a shadow there?
What is in the way of you living intentionally?
I am 2KVYOT3. I am unrecognizable. I am love. And I am living my life with solitude, privacy, and intention.
There’s no secret
There’s just learning to trust again
Learning to make amends
Move through the suffering to find someplace safe again
Safe again
And I’m sorry
Little body
For taking you for granted, I
I promise
Little body
That you will feel safe again
