2KVYOT3.L0VE
Tukayote Helianthus v2
Walking away from suffering.Walking towards love.With intention.
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Someone called me a creep in public last weekend. Loudly. In front of other people. He looked at a stranger spreading anonymous kindness and reached for the most dehumanizing word he could find. He didn’t ask what I was doing. He didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. He just aimed it and fired. I wrote him a letter. Not to start a fight. Because he tried to silence me with shame, and I do not let anyone do that anymore.
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Your brain doesn’t keep you stuck because it’s afraid of what’s ahead. It keeps you stuck because it’s afraid of losing what it already knows. I walked 12 miles, was flipped off by a person from my past still avoiding accountability for stealing money from me, got hit by a mail truck right after, and sat on a beach watching the tidal flats before I finally understood what my nervous system had been trying to tell me for months. Grief was behind all of it. Not one clean loss. A stack.
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Bison don’t run from storms. They charge straight into them. Head down. Horns forward. This is a collection of wisdom from real conversations with real people: about addiction and shame, grief making space, shedding the skin you’ve outgrown, learning that solitude is freedom, and what unconditional love actually looks like when it’s real. If you are in recovery, healing wounds you didn’t ask for, questioning who you are becoming, carrying guilt about your past, or losing people and old versions of yourself: this is for you. You are not alone in this herd. Keep charging.
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Fear of being alone drove every single destructive pattern and decision I ever made. I didn’t know that for most of my life. I just kept running the program. On May 6, 2026, my no contact order expired at midnight and I walked to the pier alone, happy, sober, and left there completely free for the first time possibly since birth.
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A scar doesn’t erase what was there before it. It just marks where the wound used to be. Sitting on a log, missing someone, I found myself staring at a scar on my leg and remembering what it replaced. This is about loss, grief, and what it means to let a wave come in, move through you, and recede, without fighting it every step of the way.
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April 2026 was the best month of my life. Hands down. Church. Tulip fields. Engagement shoots. Dozens of sunsets on the pier. Agate hunting. Breathwork. My first skirt, worn in public. A gratefulness group that cracked something open. 360 videos. Veteran community. Boundaries held. Not a single identified pattern repeated. Not once. I ended the month 838 days sober from alcohol, 115 days clean from everything, and 40 days emotionally sober. And then I swam in the Salish Sea under a full moon with someone special. That’s how April ended. I don’t know how the hell I got so lucky.
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I have spent years crawling my way through the darkness. In recent months, I finally began seeing the sun. Now I am out walking in it, literally and figuratively. It is the most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced. I am now living a life full of love, happiness, and joy, because of the painstakingly difficult internal work I have been doing every single day to eliminate my toxic patterns. I am also living this life of emotional freedom, stability, and security because of the sobriety I have chosen. Thank you to everyone who has been walking alongside me on…
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