2KVYOT3.L0VE
Tukayote Helianthus v2
Walking away from suffering.Walking towards love.With intention.
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286 days chemically sober, and the things I tell people in recovery every day: from the night I threw out my last joint to what emotional sobriety actually feels like.
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Grief used to be the thing I ran from. Now it shows up sharp as a thumbnail scratch, I say hello out loud, and it passes. Grief isn’t terrible. It’s proof I have a real beating heart.
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Two years clean from kratom, and a display of Feel Free shots at the gas station still told me one won’t hurt. It will. This is the detox that felt like hell, the marketing nobody warns you about, the ban that finally hit Bellingham, and the guilt I carry for handing it to people I loved. No amount is safe. I’m still here to say it.
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For years I thought refusing to accept my bipolar made me strong. It was denial, and underneath it was grief I didn’t want to feel. Acceptance isn’t quitting treatment. It’s quitting the fight against what’s permanent, whether that’s a diagnosis or a conflict that’s never going to change. Sometimes no response is a response. Good grief is the kind you finally let yourself feel.
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A random poster led me to a tarot reader, and she told me to start setting intentions. Severing the last cord already brought my sleep, my appetite, and my grief back online. Now it’s time to declare what I am living by from here forward. This is not an update. It is a declaration. Know what you don’t want, know what you do, and live on purpose.
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I’m sober, stable, and in treatment, with three providers who know the truth. I’m off the radar and access to me is closed. I still wish everyone less suffering and more peace. I’m just finding mine in ways they can’t reach. 💋💋💋
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It costs nothing to choose less suffering for yourself, and it will cost you everything if you don’t. Today I made the hardest decision of my life, severing the last cord tied to a source of suffering I could not reduce any other way. I’m letting go so everyone on the other side of it can let go too, and I wish them love, peace, healing, and joy.
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