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Tukayote Helianthus v2
Walking away from suffering.Walking towards love.With intention.
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I went off the radar on September 20. I’m happy, sober, safe, and access to me is closed. I wish everyone involved less suffering and more peace. I’ll be finding mine, out of reach and out of view.
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A simple and fun mindfulness photowalk today collecting pictures of stickers I found on cars in Bellingham. Shot with the Ricoh GRIIIX at 40mm.
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Ego death isn’t a breakthrough or a glow-up. It’s the collapse of an identity that was keeping me alive while quietly killing me. I ended patterns that were destroying me, stopped numbing, and stopped avoiding. Then came months of hypervigilance, grief, and screaming into the ocean in cold storms, sober and unarmored. Invisible. Brutal. Lonely. And I’m still here.
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I wrote my amends like a guilty verdict and believed it. Here is what still stands, what doesn’t, and the original, word for word.
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I’m not interested in perfection or performative growth. I’m interested in staying honest with myself, choosing safer behaviors, and continuing forward even when it’s uncomfortable. Accountability is how I respect myself. It’s how I protect my healing. And it’s how I build a life that doesn’t require me to abandon myself to survive it.
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At sunset on the pier, in the middle of grief I didn’t know how to finish feeling, a complete stranger stepped into my life and quietly changed everything. She didn’t ask for details, explanations, or context. She offered warmth, presence, and long, steady hugs that held my nervous system when words couldn’t. For thirty minutes, the world stopped, grief softened, and I was reminded that kindness, safety, and love exist far beyond romance, history, or expectation.
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Twenty-six years in a row I had someone by my side. Someone to pour my love into. Someone to anchor the day. This year, I’m alone. Because I set a hard boundary. This Valentine’s Day almost swallowed me whole until I rewrote the story. I walked the city hand-hearting strangers, giving away balloons, trolling grumpy men, and letting love move freely through me. No rushing. No fear. No performance. Just emotional sobriety, a calm nervous system, and a big, unapologetic heart shared with the world.
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Pure play downtown. A sober night dancing to Confusion. Improvised movement, loud bass, zero agenda. Just fun, presence, and creative freedom.
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