2KVYOT3.L0VE
Tukayote Helianthus v2
Walking away from suffering.Walking towards love.With intention.
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Today marks a powerful turning point in my recovery. One year sober from alcohol, 90 days free from kratom, and nearly a full year without cigarettes. Recovery isn’t about perfection, it’s about honesty, intention, and choosing health over numbness. I’m stepping away from substances that no longer serve me, using harm reduction where needed, and committing to clarity, stability, and a life lived fully awake. This is not the end of a struggle, it’s the beginning of a cleaner, truer baseline.
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2025 is the year I strip everything away to find my true mental health baseline. No alcohol. No cannabis. No kratom. No dopamine chasing. Just me, my brain, and the hard questions I’ve been avoiding for years. I want to know who I am without numbing, without escape, without outsourcing fear management to addiction. Alcohol nearly destroyed my life, my relationships, and my mind. Walking away from it wasn’t moral or virtuous — it was necessary for survival. This isn’t just sobriety. It’s a deep investigation into fear, trauma, chemistry, and healing, and an open invitation to anyone who’s tired…
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Almost 8 days. Then anxiety won, Roxy showed up, and I burned one down. My body hated it. Pulse in the low 100s, miserable, high, and uncomfortable for hours. I also injured my ankle trying to walk the anxiety out beforehand. Cowboy talked me off the shame ledge and reminded me I’m doing my best. Today is a new day. Recovery was never about perfection.
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Anxiety waves, boundary violations, cravings. I walked 4.26mph tonight trying to get the war out of my system. Behind every craving I’ve ever had is the same thing: an anxiety/fear part that Roxy will do anything to protect. She’s a dopamine girl, and she’s exhausted. Part of my 2025 work is figuring out how to channel what she’s got without burning us both down.
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Three years ago, I publicly declared I was thriving—healthier than ever, fewer meds, solid friendships, my kids doing better. Four days later, I was drunk, high, manic, suicidal, psychotic, and locked in a psychiatric ward. That cycle repeated until I finally told myself the truth: sobriety wasn’t a preference, it was the only way forward. On January 13, 2024, I stopped drinking. Choosing sobriety—first from alcohol, then from kratom—became one of the deepest acts of self-love I’ve ever made. Now my goal is simple and radical: to understand my true baseline mental health, without substances distorting it. That clarity feels…
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I was drunk, bleeding on the ground at 2AM after a 7 mile walk home from work. It took two more years and two more intoxicated ER psych visits before I fully understood the grip alcohol had on me. I’m still learning what the damage looks like. But today, I’m 341 days sober, and I’m not done yet. If you’re struggling with booze, I see you. Reach out anytime.
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Anxiety has been with me since childhood. I’ve used a lot of things to numb it. Cannabis was one of the better ones — until I stopped cold turkey to prep for brain scans, and found out it had a death grip on me I never saw coming. Now I’m in full withdrawals, feeling terrible, sitting in a VA ER. But here’s the thing: this is the first time I’ve ever proactively asked for psychiatric help while completely sober. No substances, no fog. Just me, steering the wheel, advocating for myself. Tonight is a win.
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