// core information system
// app library
94 applications
A_Walk_To_Remember_v1.zip
Your brain keeps you stuck not from fear of what’s ahead, but from fear of losing what it already knows, even when what it knows is destroying you.
Horns_Forward_v1.zip
A collection of wisdom from real conversations with people in recovery, grief, and transformation, for anyone running toward the storm instead of away from it.
Legacy_Fear_v1.zip
Fear of being alone drove every destructive pattern and decision I ever made, and when I finally stopped running from solitude, I found it was the only place I was ever actually safe.
Grieving_Scars_v1.zip
Grief has no timeline and no destination. The only way through it is through it, and anything else just prolongs the suffering.
April_2026_MP4_JPG.zip
April 2026 in photos and video. The month I began living everything I do from a place of unconditional love.
Walking_In_The_Sun_MP4.zip
After years crawling through darkness, this is what it looks like to finally be walking in the sun, literally and figuratively.
Nobody_Is_A_Bad_Person_v1.zip
What you see when someone behaves badly is not who they actually are. It is the damage, the paving over love that was always there at their core.
Quite_Well_Actually_MP4.zip
A 360-degree video documenting new life and growth, and an honest answer to everyone who keeps asking if I am okay.
Sanadores_Deprecated.zip
Healing multiplies when it moves. The original launch of Sanadores, a free peer support community built on the idea that the wisdom you earned the hard way belongs to the people who need it.
I_Found_God_v1.zip
God is not in the sky. God is collective consciousness, the wisdom passed forward through every person who has ever survived something and chosen to share what they learned.
Wisdom_Mirrored_Back_v1.zip
When you stop white-knuckling healing alone and let other people in, they reflect you back in ways you cannot see from the inside, and watching their courage reminds you why you kept going.
March_2026_JPG.zip
March 2026 in photographs. The month I closed circles I thought would stay open forever and found a steadiness I had been chasing for years.
Closing_The_Circles_Of_Rock_Bottom_JPG.zip
Surviving something and actually changing because of it are two completely different things. This is what it looks and feels like when the deeper work is finally finished.
Time_To_Wake_Up_v1.zip
Waking up means joy and weight on the same weekend, neither canceling the other out, and it only happens when you stop numbing, stop performing, and do the unglamorous daily work of becoming someone who can actually feel both.
State_Trooper_Asked_Me_A_Question_v1.zip
Transformation is not just about what you burned. It is about what survived the fire, what was always yours, what the destruction was never going to take because it was never the problem.
You_Werent_Ever_The_Problem_v1.zip
Awareness is not a step on the road to change. It is the entire road, and you cannot break a pattern you have been defending as a personality trait.
Geometry_Of_Becoming_v1.zip
You do not become someone new by getting new tools. You become someone new by learning to use the ones you already have in ways you never dared before.
My_Pier_Rules_Mult_Exposures_JPG.zip
Multiple exposure photography at Little Squalicum Pier. Images that show the world the way it feels: layered, overlapping, two things occupying the same space at the same time.
Unapologetically_Clean_Conscience_v1.zip
A clean conscience is not earned once. It is built into every decision through a filter you constructed out of wreckage and hard-won clarity: will this give me stress, regret, or resentment?
Its_Not_Manic_BS_v1.zip
When your transformation makes people uncomfortable, some will reach for a clinical label to explain it. Doing the work and having a manic episode do not look the same, and you do not need to shrink to accommodate their discomfort.
Your_Labels_Hurt_Me_v1.zip
Growth real enough to make you unrecognizable will always look alarming to the people who preferred the old version. Being alone is not lonely, and protecting what you bled for is not shutting down.
Always_Walked_Home_Alone_v1.zip
I was the life of every party and walked home alone every single night, because the performance was never about fun, it was about survival, and the love I was looking for in every crowded room was already inside me.
Ghosts_v1.zip
Your ghosts are not going away. The lesson is not how to get rid of them, it is how to stop letting them drive.
My_Patterns_Are_Terrified_Of_Me_v1.zip
Stop auditing yourself for people who never asked for the audit. The person you are today, how you treat people, the moves you do not make, that is the only resume that matters.
Note_In_Empty_Bedroom_v1.zip
Real amends is not a letter. It is a life lived differently, consistently, over time, with no guarantee that anyone will ever notice or return.
Bled_For_This_View_v1.zip
Your discomfort with someone else’s healing is not their problem to manage, and healing does not look peaceful from the outside all the time, because the body is still running trauma drills for a war that is already over.
Honest_With_Myself_v1.zip
When the noise finally stops, you realize you have been so deep inside other people’s needs and definitions of you that you have not heard your own voice in longer than you can remember.
Seeing_Their_True_Colors_v1.zip
There is a moment in healing where you finally stop making excuses for what you are seeing, believe the person who keeps showing you who they are, and give them nothing. Not anger, not drama, just total indifference and a door they no longer have access to.
February_2026_JPG.zip
February 2026 in photographs. 53 days sober off everything, facing everything I used to numb, and not repeating a single toxic pattern from my past.
Over_My_Head_MP4.zip
Some decisions are permanent and the guilt does not go away with insight. The lesson is not how to escape that weight, but how to carry it without collapsing, and let it change you instead of bury you.
Integrity_v1.zip
Gratitude can describe where you are. Integrity is what actually carries you there, especially when you are hurting and nobody would know if you slipped.
Pier_Mult_Exposures_2602_JPG.zip
Multiple exposure photography at Little Squalicum Pier in February. Reflecting on a new life and the ongoing process of discovering who I am without my old patterns.
Stuck_In_Bellingham_JPG.zip
A mindfulness photowalk through Bellingham collecting stickers on cars. Shot with the Ricoh GRIIIx at 40mm.
Ego_Death_Torture_v1.zip
Ego death is not a glow-up. It is months of your identity dying while the world keeps moving around you like nothing happened, and nobody tells you this part because there is no applause for it.
Amends_v1.zip
Guilt says you did something wrong and need to change. Making amends is not about getting forgiveness, it is about stopping the lies you tell yourself, owning the damage clearly, and actually changing your behavior at its root.
Being_Accountable_v1.zip
Accountability is not a moment or an apology. It is a practice you run every day whether anyone is watching or not, and the way you live your life after you hurt someone is the amend, not the words.
Love_From_A_Stranger_v1.zip
You do not have to earn comfort or explain yourself to deserve it. Sometimes the universe delivers exactly what you need through a stranger at the right place at the right time, doing the most human thing possible.
Alone_On_Valentines_v1.zip
Love is not a resource you conserve for one person. It is something you just do, everywhere, without permission, and being whole is not the same thing as being alone.
Where_Am_I_MP4.zip
A freestyle interpretive dance downtown. Pure play, no processing, just movement and being in my body, sober, present, and free from my old patterns.
Time_Of_The_Revolution_MP4.zip
Thirty-seven days sober in the hardest season of my life. A low-hum anxious morning that three months ago would have hijacked the whole day, and did not.
Cornwall_Ave_JPG.zip
A full-length photowalk down Cornwall Ave with a 40mm lens. Exposure therapy disguised as street photography during a mental health recovery.
Devastate_Me_MP4.zip
An interpretive dance that felt less like choreography and more like a confession. A vow to keep giving my heart with no armor, even knowing what it costs.
Irish_Goodbye_v1.zip
You do not owe anyone an explanation for leaving. The Irish Goodbye is not avoidance, it is a boundary with legs, and you are allowed to quietly and kindly walk out the door when something is no longer aligned.
Circle_Logic_JPG.zip
A 5.7-mile photowalk through Bellingham hunting for circles. Letting repetition sharpen attention instead of dull it, and finding wonder in the smallest, roundest details.
True_Love_Glass_Museum_JPG.zip
Healing is not just for you. It ripples out, reaches the people you hurt, and sometimes you get a day at a museum with your daughter that three years of estrangement made you believe was gone forever.
Following_the_Lines_JPG.zip
A black and white photowalk through downtown Bellingham and the waterfront. Familiar places felt new again when color stepped aside and geometry took the lead.
WHO_KAYOTE_MP4.zip
After four years of silence, I took my body back on a downtown parkade at night, dancing without permission, without an audience, just instinct and freedom and the declaration that joy gets to live here again.
ColorStudy_Orange_JPG.zip
A 12.8-mile photo walk through Bellingham shooting only the color orange. Long-distance walking as nervous system regulation and somatic exposure therapy during early recovery.
Destroying_The_Partnership_v1.zip
When fears and insecurities go unspoken long enough, they do not stay inside. They leak, metastasize, and eventually make decisions for you that you never would have made from a clear and honest place.
January_2026_JPG.zip
January 2026 in photographs. 216 miles walked, two states traveled, and a lot of work figuring out who I actually am.
I_Beat_Things_Today_v1.zip
Most of us carry grief we have never actually moved through our bodies. There is a difference between knowing you have grief and actually releasing it, and you do not have to earn the right to grieve.
Be_A_Buffalo_v1.zip
Avoiding grief, numbing it, or hoping it disappears does not make it go away. It just keeps you stuck in the storm longer, because the only way through is straight into it.
Wish_You_Were_Here_v1.zip
When you get sober and change for real, you leave behind an entire identity, and that person deserves to be mourned, not buried, because you can grieve who you were without going back to him.
Grateful_For_These_44_Things_v1.zip
Gratitude is a practice, not a feeling, and fear belongs on the list, because when you learn to read it as information instead of danger, it stops running your life.
The_Day_I_Blew_It_All_Up_v1.zip
Sometimes you know a change has to happen and you still execute it terribly. The lesson is not that burning bridges is always wrong, but that when you finally stop running, you have to own the wreckage you left behind.
Two_Years_Dry_v1.zip
You did not choose the burdens put on you before you had words for them, but the healing is still yours to do, one day at a time, in integrity, with grace for who you were when you did not know better.
Year_End_2025_Final.zip
2025 was the year I stopped performing, stopped being who everyone else needed me to be, and slowly started becoming who I actually am, because letting go is not losing, it is how you reclaim yourself.
2025_All_JPG.zip
Every photo I took in 2025. Astrophotography near Baker, infrared at Point Whitehorn, the pier, bees on fireweed, Hawaii, California.
December_2025_JPG.zip
December 2025 in photographs. A 2,400-mile solo road trip, 150 miles walked, two days in the psych ward, and a kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve.
November_2025_JPG.zip
November 2025 in photographs. A lot happened this month. Didn’t take many pictures.
October_2025_JPG.zip
October 2025 in photographs. All Hawaii.
Fighting_Shadows_v1.zip
Understanding the why behind your struggles is not making excuses. When you stop fighting an invisible enemy and finally see what you are actually up against, you go from moral failure to informed strategy.
What_Is_IFS_v1.zip
Internal Family Systems says your inner world is made up of parts, each with their own fears and protective jobs, and underneath all of them is a core Self that is calm, compassionate, and whole, and has always been there.
Love_Your_Parts_v1.zip
Before you can move through any hard trailhead in your life, you have to befriend the parts guarding it. You cannot bulldoze your way past fear, shame, perfectionism, or grief, you have to sit with them and show them you are safe.
Bipolar_Frustration_v1.zip
Living with bipolar disorder means you cannot always trust your own good feelings. Self-awareness is not the same as self-doubt, and catching a pattern in your nervous system and adjusting is not weakness, it is the work.
Med_Change_Day_28_v1.zip
Sometimes the thing quietly destroying your life is not the diagnosis. It is the treatment, a side effect you never connected to the medication, one you were self-medicating for years without knowing it.
Acceptance_And_Uncertainty_v1.zip
Underneath all the fighting against diagnoses, losses, and circumstances is usually one thing: fear of uncertainty. Psychological acceptance means embracing your inner experience without judgment, not as defeat but as the only honest starting point.
Thinning_Hair_Comment_v1.zip
The voice in your head that criticizes you is not your enemy. It is a scared part frozen in time, doing the only job it knew, and when you respond with calm instead of combat, the dynamic shifts.
Uphill_With_A_Boulder_v1.zip
Asking for help when you are already in the system, already medicated, already being treated is still an act of courage, and changing course mid-mountain when you are exhausted and scared is the bravest kind of self-advocacy there is.
No_Glimmer_In_My_Eyes_v1.zip
Change does not always announce itself. Sometimes it arrives quietly through an unexpected door in a form you never would have predicted, and you do not have to see the whole path, you just have to stay alive long enough for the next one to appear.
Addiction_In_My_DNA_v1.zip
Some of us are not chasing highs because we are weak. We are chasing normal, and when your brain runs low on dopamine at baseline, addiction stops being a mystery and starts making a painful amount of sense.
Kratom_Uninstall_v1.zip
Just because something is labeled natural does not mean it is harmless. Kratom came in a wellness costume, called itself safe, and quietly chained my brain’s opioid receptors before I saw the chains.
Emotions_Hijacked_v1.zip
When emotions get loud they feel urgent, but that urgency is a lie your nervous system is telling you, and Opposite Action from DBT works because emotions do not have to run the show.
Exit_41_New_Journey_v1.zip
There comes a point where staying in something that is destroying you stops being sacrifice and starts being self-harm. Emotional sobriety is not just about putting down substances, it is about learning to manage your emotions in a healthy, grounded way without reaching for things that numb you.
YOLO_v1.zip
You get one run, one set of heartbeats, one shot at this particular life. Be intentional with your time, because the number is unknown, it is finite, and it is already counting down whether you are paying attention or not.
From_Fragmented_to_Whole_v1.zip
Recovery is not a single event. It is a thousand small decisions not to give up, and the diagnosis, the trauma, and the things you did to survive do not define you. The willingness to keep going anyway does.
Challenging_Three_Weeks_v1.zip
Sometimes there is no other choice. When your body finally tells you it is done cooperating with the old program, forward is the only direction, and you do not get to negotiate with your own survival.
Roxy_Is_On_My_Mind_v1.zip
There is a part of you trying to protect you from pain, and if you try to take away her tools without understanding why she uses them, she will just find new ones. You do not fight this part. You get curious about her.
One_Year_Dry_v1.zip
Sobriety is not a single finish line. It is a series of decisions to stop letting substances make your choices for you, and harm reduction means you do not have to quit everything at once and white-knuckle your way through it.
2025_Discovering_My_Baseline_v1.zip
At some point you have to let yourself go quiet and stop feeding the noise long enough to ask: who am I without all of this, and what are my feelings like when they are not being managed?
Almost_8_Days_No_Weed_v1.zip
A relapse does not erase the progress. Shame is a liar, seven days and twenty-three hours still happened, and recovery is about moving forward toward your goals, not achieving perfection.
Anxiety_And_Cravings_v1.zip
Every craving you have ever had has anxiety or fear underneath it. The craving is not the problem, it is the alarm, and the work is learning to recognize what is actually happening underneath the pull.
Three_Years_Ago_v1.zip
One rock bottom is not always enough. Sobriety is not a punishment you give yourself, it is one of the biggest acts of love you can give yourself, and when you finally do it for that reason, it sticks.
341st_Day_Without_Alcohol_v1.zip
Rock bottom does not always look like what you think. Sometimes it is just a Tuesday night that ended with you on the ground at 2am, and every single day without alcohol since is a milestone worth counting.
Here_I_Am_Tonight_v1.zip
Getting help is not weakness. When your system is crashing, the strongest thing you can do is walk yourself through the door and say you need support, because the thing your coping mechanism was managing is still there when you remove it.
Open_Letter_To_Daughters.zip
A Christmas letter to my estranged daughters. Not asking them to forget the past, but asking for a future where we get to find out who we have all become.
What_We_Install_In_Children_v1.zip
The people who were supposed to protect us were also the ones who wrote our earliest code, and when a child’s feelings are shamed into silence, the lesson does not land as a rule. It lands as a belief that runs in the background for decades.
Let_People_Help_You_v1.zip
Most of us convince ourselves we can handle it alone and brush off the signs. Let people help you, because vulnerability is the antidote to shame and being vulnerable in your worst moments is the only way out of them.
Been_A_Tad_Bumpy_v1.zip
Life can be running beautifully and falling apart at the same time. When a shame storm hits it does not care how good things were going, and you do not have to weather it alone.
Get_Scared_Get_Vulnerable_v1.zip
Vulnerability is not weakness. It is where everything real lives: connection, intimacy, change, growth, and the slow process of sorting the safe people from the unsafe ones.
The_Power_And_Release_Of_Control_v1.zip
You cannot control other people, their feelings, or what life throws at you. What you can control is yourself, your reactions, your choices, and sometimes no response is the most powerful response of all.
Today_Is_A_Gift_v1.zip
Every morning is a clean install. The day has not been corrupted yet, nothing has gone wrong, and once it runs its course that version is read-only and cannot be patched or rolled back.
Love_Yourself_For_Realz_v1.zip
Most of us spend our lives running a loop of every flaw and failure. Accept the facts as they are, find something to be grateful for inside of those facts, and stop treating yourself like the enemy.
Nicotine_Relapse_Loop_v1.zip
Every addiction is an escape from discomfort. You do not relapse because you are weak, you relapse because something hurt and the thing you reached for made it quieter for a little while, and the relapse trigger is almost never the craving. It is the pain that came first.
> cloud: tags.lnk
> cloud: tags.lnk40mm accountability alcohol sobriety amends anxiety authenticity avoidance bellingham washington bipolar disorder black and white photography boundaries breakups buffalo cannabis sobriety childhood trauma codependency community courage CPTSD dance doing the work downtown bellingham ego death electronic music emotional sobriety estrangement family fear fear of abandonment fear of loss of love fear of rejection freedom friendship full color photography gratitude grief guilt happiness healing healing journey horns forward identity transformation inner work integrity internal family systems joy kratom sobriety letting go little squalicum pier lived experience locust beach long distance walking loss love major life changes mental health mindfulness mindful photography monochrome music new beginnings no contact ocean therapy ownership Pacific Northwest parental wounding parts work patterns peace peer support performing personal growth photography platonic relationships psychiatric hospitalization psych meds psychosis radical acceptance recovery relationship damage relationships resilience Ricoh GRIIIX secure attachment self-compassion self-discovery self-love selfies shadow work shame slow photography sobriety sovereignty starting over transformation trauma truth unconditional love unrecognizable vulnerability