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Tukayote Helianthus v2
Walking away from suffering.Walking towards love.With intention.
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For the first time in my life, I can actually feel the love. Not as a concept. As a felt thing. I danced it out.
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A stranger called me a creep in public while I was doing anonymous acts of kindness. I didn’t react in the moment. I wrote him a letter, said what I needed to say once, and moved on. This is what I learned about shame and what I do with it.
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Your brain doesn’t keep you stuck because it’s afraid of what’s ahead. It keeps you stuck because it’s afraid of losing what it already knows. I walked 12 miles, got hit by a mail truck, and sat on a beach watching the tidal flats before I finally understood what my nervous system had been trying to tell me for months. Grief was behind all of it. Not one clean loss. A stack.
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Bison don’t run from storms. They charge straight into them. Head down. Horns forward. This is a collection of wisdom from real conversations with real people: about addiction and shame, grief making space, shedding the skin you’ve outgrown, learning that solitude is freedom, and what unconditional love actually looks like when it’s real. If you are in recovery, healing wounds you didn’t ask for, questioning who you are becoming, carrying guilt about your past, or losing people and old versions of yourself: this is for you. You are not alone in this herd. Keep charging.
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Fear of being alone drove every single destructive pattern and decision I ever made. I didn’t know that for most of my life. I just kept running the program. On May 6, 2026, a six year legal chapter closed at midnight and I walked to the pier alone, happy, sober, and left there completely free for the first time possibly since birth.
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A scar doesn’t erase what was there before it. It just marks where the wound used to be. Sitting on a log, missing someone, I found myself staring at a scar on my leg and remembering what it replaced. This is about loss, grief, and what it means to let a wave come in, move through you, and recede, without fighting it every step of the way.
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April 2026 was the best month of my life. Hands down. Church. Tulip fields. Engagement shoots. Dozens of sunsets on the pier. Agate hunting. Breathwork. My first skirt, worn in public. A gratefulness group that cracked something open. 360 videos. Veteran community. Boundaries held. Not a single identified pattern repeated. Not once. I ended the month 838 days sober from alcohol, 115 days clean from everything, and 40 days emotionally sober. And then I swam in the Salish Sea under a full moon with someone special. That’s how April ended. I don’t know how the hell I got so lucky.
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